to the tenth

 day 10: how can you set better boundaries in your life?

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     If you ask my dad if he's an alcoholic, he'll give an unequivocal no before you can even finish the question. I only drink on the weekends, he'll assure you. And I don't even do that anymore. One perspective surrounding alcoholism I learned in A.A. is it doesn't always depend on the frequency of the drinking as much as how you behave once that poison hits your bloodstream. He used to stumble home around 2am, wake me and my brothers up, and fuck with us. That or provoke a fight with whatever girlfriend he had at the time. It really depended on the night. Sometimes he'd wrestle my brothers, which was funny when they were in elementary school. It stopped being so silly once they were in middle school and older. 

     In the same token, he used to do this thing where he'd ask us for a kiss. And it's hard and maybe even psychotic to try to defend this but I feel like there truly is something that needs to be discussed. Is this action weird as shit? Yeah. Definitely. Still, my dad isn't some gross pedophile of sorts. He merely suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and enjoys exerting power. If anything, that's what makes him a sick fuck.

     So my dad used to get wasted and force his kids to kiss him. When we refused, he'd pin us down by the wrists and boom, "Give your dada a kiss!" And like I said, it was funny when I was 5. But he did to me when I was 16 and also in front of two of my best guy friends when I stopped by his trailer to grab something. That shit was fucking humiliating. 

     I'd like to pose this question: how can you set better boundaries in your life when you were taught at a very young age that your reluctance to participate in situations is considered insignificant by one of two people who were put on the planet to protect you? I've always been loud. Outspoken. Crass. These traits do not equate emotional intelligence nor steadfastness. If anything, they aid in the façade that I have control of my life, the conversation, of myself. I could make noise but I didn't have a voice.

     I'm 28 now, somewhat distant from the angsty teenager I once was; in some regards, I'm still the same. I truly do feel like I have agency over my life at this juncture. Everyday I attempt to strengthen my resolve and demand the respect I deserve. I can vocalize when someone offends me, communicate to my lovers what I will and won't tolerate, and defend my beliefs when someone challenges them. In the second half of this year, I have been working on not offering unsolicited advice, over-extending myself and resources, nor answering any calls or texts if I don't have the mental stamina for it. I could be better at saying no. I get bogged down with babysitting kids, cooking meals, and accompanying my family on errands all while I have assignments due, laundry to be folded, and just general alone time to recharge. I get so wrapped up in my commitment to being loyal or reliable that I tend to abandon myself. Who can I possibly rely on in this world if not meself?