see the sixteenth

day 16: what is the most loving thing you've ever done for yourself?

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     When I first moved to Texas three years ago, I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous to get out of the house. I mean, I thought I was an addict but wasn't entirely sure. My aunt encouraged me to go. "If nothing else, it's free entertainment," she'd say. I looked up a schedule online and landed on this gnarly halfway house. I only attended a few times before I found two other meetings I felt more comfortable at. I browsed a pamphlet called Is A.A. for You? Twelve Questions Only You Can Answer, shocked at how many I identified with.

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? 

yes [x]     no [  ]

2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking — stop telling you what to do?

yes [x]     no [  ]

3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

yes [  ]     no [x]

4. Have you had to have a drink upon awakening during the past year? Do you need a drink to get started, or to stop shaking?

yes [  ]     no [x]

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

yes [x]     no [  ]

6. Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?

yes [x]     no [  ]

7. Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

yes [x]     no [  ]

8. Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

yes [x]     no [  ]

9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to?

yes [x]     no [  ]

10. Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?

yes [x]     no [  ]

11. Do you have “blackouts”?

yes [x]     no [  ]

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

yes [x]     no [  ]

What’s your score? 

Did you answer “Yes” four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol.

I was like:

     

     I've met so many great people in the rooms. Veteran meth addicts/alcoholics in recovery that speak to my heart and verbalize feelings I thought were uniquely mine. Smiling at you at 9am on a Saturday, eager to fill your Styrofoam coffee cup to the brim. Being the most vulnerable— disclosing the shame they felt after waking up from a using dream, the sadness coursing through their body because it's their grandson's birthday (the one their daughter won't let them see for years now due to their drinking & drugging), the pain they feel after their parent dies without being able to see them get sober. Silence permeates the air but it's never tense or weird. Just a room full of drunks nodding, we get it♡.

     But there's such beauty too! The wisdom. The hope. The celebrating of days, months, and years being clean. Conquering demons once deemed insurmountable. The repaired relationships with kids, lovers, parents, and siblings. The hope. How smiles get brighter & brighter every time you see someone. The jobs, the promotions, the cars, the homes, and the respect regained. The hope.

     There are concepts within the steps and traditions that are truly profound because they work. The seventh tradition is "every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.” Eighty-seven years going strong of electric bills, rent, Big Books, coffee filters, and sobriety chips all being funded by alcoholics themselves. One of my favorite traditions is 11: "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." My first sponsor encouraged me to live rigorously honest; I keep this at the back of my mind at all times. Someone mentioned One Percent Better: the method of doing something 1% every day eventually adding up to a major goal. Asking myself what's my part in this? has been a huge game changer as I used to think I was innocent in my actions (plot twist: I wasn't). My boyfriend is ten months sober off meth and alcohol (well... off everything but those are his DOCs) and what helps him most is the AA adage: take it one day at a time. Sometimes that's all you can do. No need to ruminate on the past and no one is a fortune teller so there's no point in trying to predict the future. Focus on the next 24 hours. Or hour. or minute, if you need to. 

     I've heard some hilarious stories in the rooms, too. Most alcoholics have a great sense of humor. They have to. Shit like:

• I'm not much, but I'm all I think about.
• The look you get when a rehab commercial comes on and everyone stares at you.
• I heard there's a pill that will cure addiction... I wonder what two of them will do.
• You can't smoke meth like a gentleman.

     AA has given me so much. I've felt genuine love within 5 minutes of meeting someone, had a place to go when I need to get out of my head for an hour, unpacked ugly thoughts in the safety of those four walls, and (hopefully) I've said something or merely showed up & impacted another life. I truly peeled back some layers of who I am and took a better look at what was going on. Outside of the club, I created a morning and night routine, got back into yoga, and developed goals. I learned the Serenity Prayer and other great tools to help me cope and live a less toxic life.

     I was able to be sober from November 2019 until around April 2020. It's the longest I'd been drug free in eleven years. (A drug is a mind-altering substance so obviously alcohol falls into that.) My drinking ebbs and flows, though I have cut back and am more aware of my behaviors now, plus the emotions I'm feeling when I choose to indulge. I think stepping foot in those rooms shifted something very critical in me. It has to be one of the most loving things I've ever done for myself.