since the sixth

day 6: what do you need to forgive yourself for?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     When I slip into a depressive episode, I reflect on my 28 years with complete disgust and remorse and shame. Walking off the volleyball court in the middle of a homecoming game when I was a junior in high school. Meeting up with a 22-year-old man I met on Facebook when I was 16 and having sex with him even though I wasn't entirely comfortable with doing so. Shirking research papers in high school so I could argue over petty shit with girls on MySpace. Prioritizing drinking and drugging above pretty much everything in my life for ten years. All these and more run through my mind like an endless movie reel and I feel so debilitated.

     Sometimes my mom catches the brunt of my ruminations. As our sole caretaker in the trailer, she gave us wayyy too much freedom. Trusted us too much. Or even on rare nights she told me I couldn't do something, I'd wait until she fell asleep and sneak out in her car. I was 15. One time I was pulled over 28 miles south of town, on my way back from visiting friends at 11pm. (For the record, I had a tail light out.) My mom didn't yell, punish, berate, or even address the situation. She brought my brother to drive the car home and I rode with her, the hum of the radio being the only audible noise.

     During moments of clarity I give myself permission to laugh at the outrageous shit I've done. I can admit a certain appreciation for the lessons, experiences, and relationships that bloomed from my tomfoolery. I need to forgive myself for being a wounded, misguided, erratic American youth. The day I give myself the same grace I give my loved ones will be joyous, indeed. One of my favorite quotes recently is by humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers:

“I realize that if I were stable and steady and static, I would be living death. 

So I accept confusion and uncertainty and fear and emotional highs and lows 

because they are the price I willingly pay for a flowing, perplexing, exciting life.”