catch 22

day 22: what things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway?

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     Oh fuckin aye, if my anxiety was an interrogator. I reflect on this several times throughout my days. The Shame Wizard is my shadow and I can't seem to escape him. I feel bad when I snooze my alarm five times instead of getting up the first time. (Needless to say, it starts from the time I open my eyes for the day.) I'm late allllll the fuckin' time and this gnarly habit could fix my dilemma godspeed but here we are. 

     My phone takes up entirely way too much of my attention. Sometimes my weekly average lets me know I spend as much time browsing Instagram/Pinterest/Twitter/iMessage as I do at the job that pays me. Big Yikes.

     I see airbrushed women on social media, or even talented ones in person, and I tell myself I need to start putting make-up on & styling my hair & wearing clothes that don't include solid colored tops, jeans, and white shoes. This hasn't seemed to come to fruition but someday...

     I've landed in real ugly places for going through people's phones/iPads/Facebooks/e-mails. I only feel slightly bad for this. I don't really want to stop but I don't deny I should see a therapist.

     Buying movies on Vudu when I'm way past budget stresses me out, but, boi, you should see my movie collection. *chef's kiss*

     The first time I participated in organized sports I was 6. My mom signed me up for volleyball at the community center, even though I'd never heard of it. I played every year until I was 17. After that I did intramurals volleyball in college and then pick-up games with friends whenever I could. I've played basketball (a gawky fawn on offense but a relentless beast on defense), ran track (not the fastest, not the slowest... mostly stuck with the 200 and 400), and after I graduated high school, I started learning more about weight lifting, HIIT, and yoga. My point... I am an athlete through and through. I love to move my body and see what it can do. Does this also mean I haven't been to the gym or raised my heart rate in 4 months outside of sex? Yes. Yes, it sure does.

    I've struggled with self-discipline since middle school. Waiting to start research papers a few hours before they were due when Maria assigned them two months prior. Rarely doing Kurz's homework. I ignored Fammy's first assignment my freshman year and was ineligible for our first volleyball game. That stung. I've had four jobs in 2022. I still don't know Spanish. I have a shelf full of books I haven't read as well as a few chapters of a manuscript I started. I quit or don't try and then those failures cause me to spiral and so I don't try or quit. It's lovely, let me tell you.