flew the fourteenth

day 14: what would your self be proud of you for today?

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     This couldn't have caught me on a worse day. However, this is called a self-care challenge and implies I should be gentle with myself. Meet me where I'm at. 

proud (adj)

1. feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.

    • (of an event, achievement, etc.) causing someone to feel proud.

2. having or showing a high or excessively high opinion of oneself or one's importance.

    • having or showing a consciousness of one's own dignity.

     In the last year or so I have refrained from complimenting anyone with "you're strong" because it doesn't sit right with me anymore. I don't think our capacity to endure pain is something that deserves accolades since more often than not, it's not our choice and it's not a choice. Not persevering is a luxury few can afford. Don't get me wrong— I can be despondent with the best of 'em. I get in my purse all misanthropic-like and don't want to continue living in this unfair, busted ass world. Inevitably, I prevail. I shed the anhedonia and re-emerge, ready to try this shits one more time...

     In this moment, I have three college anatomy & physiology assignments I need to finish, some medical terminology ones, a lab practical on muscles to study for, paperwork for medical appointments that need filled out, to send a convincing letter to a judge in order to pay two speeding tickets in installments, a list of therapists on the fridge that I was supposed to call to find out rates last week, a brother who just relapsed on meth after 9 months sober who won't stop peeking out the windows and going through my shit, a mom who's been enabling him for a decade + who forces me to be her emotional support daughter, a man who loves me even when I'm erratic & hurt him, and I started a new job today. 🤡

     A few years ago a therapist diagnosed me with adjustment disorder after our first meeting. When I got my session notes, I looked it up and found: "An adjustment disorder is an emotional or behavioral reaction to a stressful event or change in a person's life. The reaction is considered an unhealthy or excessive response to the event or change within three months of it happening." I wasn't and still am not keen on the verbiage "excessive response". Please, do tell me how I should cope when the bullshit is happening entirely way too consistently. I'd love nothing more than to see how someone else would mange my life experiencing the things I do; internally and externally.

     So if you held a gun to my head and said, "What are you proud of yourself for today?" between gritted teeth, I'd say my ability to persist, even though it's the absolute last thing I want to do most days. I wake up, look at the peeking sun and whisper, "Time to suck today's dick <3" and keep fuckin' trekkin'. One of my all-time favorite quotes is by Charlie Chaplin when my man said, "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.”