wholeday

• 2:13am. randomly wake up like I do throughout the night when I don't take a Trazodone & let my dogs out
• 2:15am. upon realizing it's a full moon (no wonder why an ex I broke up with a year ago texted me yesterday and why my emotions have been turbulent the last few days....), I Google Full Pink Moon April 2023 and find out it's in Libra and then send my friends a screenshot of its meaning
• 6:15am. alarm goes off playing Time of No Reply by Nick Drake; I snooze it, pet my puppy, and doze off  
• 6:24am. snooze alarm again
• 6:33am. alarm goes off once more and I decide I can get up for the day because I really have to go to the bathroom... but also snuggle the pup one last time

• 6:44am. let the dogs out + put new food and water down, look at my mom's room and think about tidying it but only haphazardly making the bed (what's the saying? not my monkeys, not my circus) 
• 6:49am. put on a playlist that matches my vibes right now (softie on Spotify)
• 6:52am. clean my room, switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer, light a lavender incense 

• 7:01am. fill my medicine planner for the week: mornings with lithium, Celexa, and a probiotic/evenings with lithium and a prenatal vitamin (my mom always said they help with hair and nails ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
• 7:07am. straighten my bangs like I have since I was 13, brush my teeth & get annoyed with my gums when they bleed a little because we have this talk every morning and they never said a thing?, eye my five palettes and decide for day 832 that I'm not putting make-up on, wipe my face with a cotton round and micellar water, and choose my outfit that consists of mostly solid colors like I'm a fuckin' cartoon character
• 7:28am. I warm up a spinach egg white frittata I bought from Walmart yesterday for breakfast plus a pear fruit cup and a half empty 12oz orange juice 
• 7:30am. my Leave For Work alarm goes off (Leather and Lace by Stevie Nicks & Don Henley) and I shut it off
• 7:35am. pack up my breakfast, work backpack, and purse... also glance at the daily calendar for inspiration 

• 7:45am. finally leave for work and on my way, dial this maintenance line my mom wanted me to call and impersonate her so we can get a water leak resolved. when the call is over, I turn on the radio and Ride by twenty øne piløts comes on and I think about Kyli 
• 8:02am. clock in to work on the mobile app but linger in my car a little longer to finish Patient Number 9 by Ozzy Osbourne
• 8:05am. morning meeting to discuss any pertinent client information 
• 9:26am. all my coworkers have left to deliver medicine and I am sitting at my desk going through Ethan Garland's TikTok and considering cleaning my work car 
• 9:32am. print a copy of the article "6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Cutting Off a Toxic Family Member" by Samantha Vincenty using company resources and feel zero shame about it
• 9:35am. think about the client I'm going to meet next week who was the salutatorian of his high school class, went to university, graduated with a degree, and then had a psychotic break last year where he started feeling weird and had to be admitted into a mental hospital and plucked his own eyeballs out at the root because the voices in his head told him that's the only way he could stop seeing all the evil in the world.... I have felt unshakably disturbed and sad since hearing this  
• 9:40am. get bleach wipes and wet rag and go clean my work car 
• 10:21am. help with clinic some but generally fuck around and spend 15 minutes trying to find one Instagram post to send to Mallori
• 10:44am. head to my house because the picture Amazon e-mailed me of my package being delivered is not my porch, though I text at stop lights and tell my team a schizophrenic client has changed her phone number for the fourth time this year & I call a different client to schedule getting coffee tomorrow morning. I judge the vehicles I pass by and make mental notes of whether it's something I can see myself in and what color when I get shit crackin' for myself and can afford it
• 10:45am. Keith sends me this out of line meme that makes me shake my head and laugh:

• 11:06am. package is retrieved and dogs are behaving like they've been abandoned for 86 days

• 11:24am. put on Kiki's Delivery Service, ate a chicken Caesar wrap, and did my anatomy & physiology assignment from last week
• 12:42pm. feeling tired as shit and want to take a nap but I guess I continue to study (whack) 
• 1:10pm. bathroom break then head to the client appointment I set for 1:00 when she lives ten minutes away. I text her and say I'm on my way. once in the car, I find a random 90s Country playlist on Spotify because that's the kind of music she enjoys 

• 1:16pm. I zone out while Something Like That by Tim McGraw plays because it reminds me of 8th grade when I gave my iPod to Mackenzi Meier to put music on and this song was included in that dump
• 1:19pm. I looked up from typing that last line on my phone and the only way to not run this red light is to slam on my breaks and I think of the ding it'll add to my car insurance app 
• 1:36pm. randomly think of when I watched The Cable Guy two weeks ago and how Jim Carrey is my slapstick hero 
• 1:38pm. sing Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain at the top of my lungs to my client in an attempt to cheer her up 
• 1:47pm. see a gorgeous Black woman with a hillbilly white man at Sam's Club & mentally ask her why???
• 2:20pm. as soon as my client gets out at her apartment I put on I Love Dom by Dom Kennedy and text my team's group chat that her paranoia/delusions are back & she changed her number because she has a weird feeling someone is after her though voices no suicidal ideation/homicidal ideation
• 2:42pm. pick up a new client and put on my funk playlist because that's what he enjoys; Atomic Dog by George Clinton is up first 
• 3:24pm. at McDonalds with a client, eating a cinnamon roll and drinking a mocha frappé dreading all the sugar I'm putting in my body, asking him why he felt suicidal last night and had to go to respite. he said the voices came back and are being mean to him and it's the only way he can think of to make them stop. in between topics he mumbles to himself, interacting with his auditory hallucinations. I sit, belly full, and remember a time when I felt the same way 
• 3:30pm. back in the car, Oh Sheila by Ready For the World playing 
• 3:33pm. glanced at the clock & made a mental note to look up what angel number 333 means 
• 3:34pm. glanced at the dash & see I have 333 miles to empty, smile to the Universe
• 3:38pm. drop my client off and hug him goodbye because a lot of us need more hugs
• 3:39pm. sit too long at a stop sign and find out "333 encourages to set plans into action and let personal strength be the guide; to trust yourself and put thought into your choices", Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey plays quietly
• 3:42pm. wondering if all this phone time counts against me on my car insurance app 
• 3:44pm. wondering if I'm using too many inconsistent verb tenses for this entry 
• 3:56pm. sitting in an automatic car wash thinking about The Nun (which I watched a couple days ago) and about how much I respect/adore/admire James Wan
• 4:26pm. bathroom break 
• 4:30pm. discuss the day with my coworkers but eventually trail off and start shooting the shit
• 4:51pm. clock out and putt home 
• 4:53pm. ogle at the beautiful red 2023 Ford Bronco on the road and feel like a Benedict Arnold because I know Toyota is where it's at
• 4:58pm. answer phone call from Mom and tell her I did not get the water leak taken care of from this morning's attempt 
• 5:04pm. turn the radio on and start singing along to Flowers by Miley Cyrus, internally smiling because my brother told me it reminds him of me and that warms my heart 
• 5:10pm. clean the dogs' dishes and give them fresh food & water 
• 5:26pm. my aunt shows me pictures of her kitten, annoying the fuck out of me because she knows I vehemently hate cats 
• 5:47pm. delete all text threads from my phone except Kedino's (I need some information he sent) and Kyli's (an unwatched TikTok from six hours ago awaits patiently)
• 5:50pm. spend 10 minutes organizing the yard and scolding pups because they won't let me take a perfectly curated photo of Study Time in The Yard (and the towel on the open bathroom door ruins the whole thing for me)

• 5:58pm. answer brother's phone call from jail; confirm I got his text to put $50 on his books, not his phone 
• 6:00pm. commence studying 
• 6:24pm. leave the house to head to the college 
• 6:43pm. arrive at the college and send Izabela a funny TikTok
• 6:44pm. send Kassie a moving TikTok
• 6:45pm. continue studying in the classroom
• 7:00pm. stop my medicine alarm (The Nearness of You by Norah Jones); I didn't bring my pills because I hadn't ate since three and lithium makes me nauseous if my stomach is empty
• 7:04pm. begin exam 
• 7:24pm. finished exam and feel so great except I was shaky either from excitement or low blood sugar
• 7:48pm. Google the answers of the exam I drew a blank on since I take pictures of it before I turn it in #stealth 
• 8:10pm. go over the scantron portion of the exam & find out I got 72/88 [81%]

• 8:18pm. get out of the car and take this 

• 8:20pm. sing along to Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe on the radio
• 8:26pm. phone vibrates to let me know Kanisha sent me a silly TikTok that I don't open for another eleven hours
• 8:28pm. get to house, change into oversized long sleeve shirt for bed, let the dogs out, give Ozzy his antibiotic (upon reflection, does my mom do anything for these dogs? lmaooo), bathroom break
• 8:35pm. make myself a gourmet dinner consisting of a turkey sandwich (with lettuce and too much mayo) and a little snack thing from Walmart that has carrots, broccoli, ranch, and a cheese stick… my thoughts wander and I started judging & arguing with someone in my head who I haven’t talked to in two or three months until I acknowledge I’m sick and put an end to it 
• 8:48pm. remembered to put the money on brother’s books
• 8:52pm. turn on One Punch Man (s1:e5 The Ultimate Mentor) while I eat
• 9:00pm. put the snack thing back in the fridge because I'm full off the sammy
• 9:38pm. added FOREVER by Jessie Reyez featuring 6lack to softie
• 9:48pm. get real emotional and know I have to sit with it instead of suppress or distract or ignore it, though my chest is starting to quiver and my throat is tightening.... a normal person would probably cry but I suppressed that for so long I struggle to unless I'm pushed to my furthest edge; One Good Time by Tech N9ne comes to mind
• 9:52pm. turned on How Can You Mend A Broken Heart by Al Green as either a salve or salt
• 10:00pm. remembered the moon will be full in an hour and a half 
• 10:03pm. turned on Calling My Phone by Lil TJay featuring 6lack 
• 10:00pm. farted and scared the sleeping puppy.... embarrassed to report I laughed real sinister
• 10:07pm. turned on None of Your Concern by Jhené Aiko featuring Big Sean
• 10:13pm. pasting all this to Blogger from a Note on my phone, adding pictures/hyperlinks/edits
• 10:51pm. remembered to take evening meds
• 11:05pm. thinking I should wash my face before I go to bed but know that is not happening
• 11:40pm. all done! popping a Trazodone, letting Ozzy out his kennel, reading Mallori's replies, and go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"Days are long, years are short." —Skai Jackson