Things You Want to Say to An Ex

 haiiiii. it me.

ironic (cosmic?) this prompt came up because I just told my therapist on Monday that I was thinking about writing you a letter, sneaking over to your house, and taping it to the front door. but we both decided that wasn't the best move. she said it would create an opportunity for you to reply and, potentially, to rekindle. I thought it might repeat my toxic cycle where I show you my softer side after I just snapped your heart in two (again), sustaining this trauma bond that's developed between us over the last year. I don't want either of those to happen.
the first time I cried over a guy was when I was 17. he did something real shady and broke my heart. the second time I cried over a guy was last week. this time I broke my own heart. for creating a narrative in my head for how I think love should go and being such a perfectionist that I hyperfocused on your flaws, leaving little acknowledgment for your wins.... and sometimes even your humanity. I hate that I hurt you (again) and how definite this ending feels.

I've been reminiscing about how hard you laughed at The Heat, making my heart swell with sheer joy. I picture the times your daughter would plop down in between us and how cozy and familial it felt. I've been thinking about how much I was talking to alleviate my anxiety as we clink clink clinked up that high ass rollercoaster at Six Flags over Dallas. I've thought about me waking you up at 1am because I went through your iPad and had shit to discuss. I've thought of all the kinky things you put me on to. I've thought about the first time you tried to diss your baby mama and I set your ass straight about disrespecting people who keep your kid alive. I've thought about you showing me that hilarious SNL skit "Close Encounter" on your phone and how hard we laughed together. I've thought about how you haven't contacted me because you're probably spending time with that girl who was never a threat to me but she's there and you know you can use that to your advantage. for her sake, I hope you don't.

and my stomach hurts thinking of all these beautiful, petty, hilarious, sensual, angry, fantastic memories. I said it before and I'll say it again: I think you're the first man I've been in love with, even though my best friends call you Cum Towel and always thought I could do better. what does 6lack say in Expectations? "of course you got the answers 'cause you ain't the one that's in my position."

I don't think it's healthy to reconnect in any capacity. Maria always told us the one who controls the relationship is the one who cares less and I don't disagree but, wow, this is horrible. so much potential and love and strain experienced day-in and day-out just for us to retrogress to noncommunicative passersby. I get upset because the sympathy is usually reserved for the broken-up-withee and not the breaker-upperer. and that's not fair because I'm here mourning with the best of 'em. the love songs don't narrate my life anymore and I'm in a weird limbo of needing to move on but hoping (delusional) you'll send me any sign that you're thinking about me too and would still call me Firefly and snap those cute, candid pictures you used to take.

fuck.

I love you always♡