Kicking Tomorrow

Friday, April 7, 2023

the pets

five pet peeves (in no particular order)

Liars. I'm not sure this even needs to be expounded, but I will say: I don't get it.
People who don't reciprocate in relationships, whether that's romantic, platonic, familial, professional, etc.
Messy/dirty people.... it's truly not that hard. Truly. Seriously. Love yourself.
People who don't reply to my text/call when I know they live with their phone glued to their hand. Wig.
People who wear clear glasses as a fashion trend. Why don't I just roll around in a wheelchair because I think it goes well with my concept. Do you like my hearing aids with no batteries in them? They accent my blouse. Fuckin' assholes...

Thursday, April 6, 2023

A song came on the radio and the lyrics really spoke to me in that unique way only music can so I picked up my phone to use Shazam, temporarily catching the moment until I had time to add it to a playlist: "I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser / midnights become my afternoons / when my depression works the graveyard shift, all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room / I should not be left to my own devices / they come with prices and vices".

Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift. Oh no!!!! Oh fuck no. Please no. The embarrassment I felt for identifying with that bitch. There are no words. The kind of thing I should take to my grave.

When I was in high school, songs on the radio were hittin'. Rihanna, Britney Spears, The Black Eyed Peas, Beyoncé, T.I., T-Pain, Akon, The Pussycat Dolls, Flo-Rida... Hip-hop, or more mainstream versions, had this breakthrough where it was normal to hear Kanye West or Drake songs on your favorite station. White people were killin' it too: Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Ke$ha, Paramore, Katy Perry, Adele. I have a lot of great memories that surface when I listen to those songs.

There were negative sides I didn't enjoy. Songs like "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz, "Ridin' Solo" by Jason Derulo, anything by Chris Brown since 2009, "Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship, "Replay" by Iyaz.... They all sound like different versions of the same boring tune. Some artists opted to do features more than anything (Nicki Minaj) and some shifted from their roots to songs that accommodated pop trends (Usher). I witnessed Eminem's songs morph from their grimy, vulgar, unparalleled flow to this corny, motivational-speaker ass shit that doesn't have to be edited to be on the radio. Those situations annoy me.

Even though I have music on my iPhone and I could use Spotify or Pandora, sometimes I get too lazy and listen to music on the radio. Last summer the stations I listened to literally kept the same eight songs in rotation and I wanted to Van Gogh my ears. "Heat Waves" by Glass Animals, "Ghost" by Justin Beiber, "STAY" by Kid LAROI, "As It Was" by Harry Styles, "Bad Habits" by Ed Sheeran, "About Damn Time" by Lizzo, "Bad Habit" by Steve Lacey, and "Vegas" by Doja Cat. Some of them have relatable lyrics and fun beats; I'm sure if I wasn't subjected to that auditory torture, I would even enjoy them. Oh, and don't forget to sprinkle in four Dua Lipa songs that would play in between.

I don't know why I hate Taylor Swift so much. I do know she's whined about men the last ten years and that's not respectable to me. It's hard because so has Mariah Carey & I absolutely adore her. But she hits those beautiful high notes and is gorgeous, so that's where the difference lies for me. Maybe I'm still bitter about the 2009 VMAs, which... it's not like she voted for herself to win. But I thought what Kanye did in Beyoncé's defense was admirable. (That is the only time I will say that in connection to his behavior.)

This is my views on mainstream music, I guess. It's not really something forced upon me with all the streaming services available these days. I still listen to the same songs my dad used to play when he was cleaning his garage and pretending to fix his Bronco, Malboro red 100 dangling out of his mouth. I recently made a playlist of songs I can remember from first grade in Brush, Colorado— the soundtrack to me listening to music in my room being a weirdo or going to the skating rink with my brothers or waiting on the hot cement during the lifeguards' break at the public pool.

I can relate to it all in one way or another.

Wednesday, April 5, 2023

Things You Want to Say to An Ex

haiiiii. it me.

ironic (cosmic?) this prompt came up because I just told my therapist on Monday that I was thinking about writing you a letter, sneaking over to your house, and taping it to the front door. but we both decided that wasn't the best move. she said it would create an opportunity for you to reply and, potentially, to rekindle. I thought it might repeat my toxic cycle where I show you my softer side after I just snapped your heart in two (again), sustaining this trauma bond that's developed between us over the last year. I don't want either of those to happen.
the first time I cried over a guy was when I was 17. he did something real shady and broke my heart. the second time I cried over a guy was last week. this time I broke my own heart. for creating a narrative in my head for how I think love should go and being such a perfectionist that I hyperfocused on your flaws, leaving little acknowledgment for your wins.... and sometimes even your humanity. I hate that I hurt you (again) and how definite this ending feels.

I've been reminiscing about how hard you laughed at The Heat, making my heart swell with sheer joy. I picture the times your daughter would plop down in between us and how cozy and familial it felt. I've been thinking about how much I was talking to alleviate my anxiety as we clink clink clinked up that high ass rollercoaster at Six Flags over Dallas. I've thought about me waking you up at 1am because I went through your iPad and had shit to discuss. I've thought of all the kinky things you put me on to. I've thought about the first time you tried to diss your baby mama and I set your ass straight about disrespecting people who keep your kid alive. I've thought about you showing me that hilarious SNL skit "Close Encounter" on your phone and how hard we laughed together. I've thought about how you haven't contacted me because you're probably spending time with that girl who was never a threat to me but she's there and you know you can use that to your advantage. for her sake, I hope you don't.

and my stomach hurts thinking of all these beautiful, petty, hilarious, sensual, angry, fantastic memories. I said it before and I'll say it again: I think you're the first man I've been in love with, even though my best friends call you Cum Towel and always thought I could do better. what does 6lack say in Expectations? "of course you got the answers 'cause you ain't the one that's in my position."

I don't think it's healthy to reconnect in any capacity. Maria always told us the one who controls the relationship is the one who cares less and I don't disagree but, wow, this is horrible. so much potential and love and strain experienced day-in and day-out just for us to retrogress to noncommunicative passersby. I get upset because the sympathy is usually reserved for the broken-up-withee and not the breaker-upperer. and that's not fair because I'm here mourning with the best of 'em. the love songs don't narrate my life anymore and I'm in a weird limbo of needing to move on but hoping (delusional) you'll send me any sign that you're thinking about me too and would still call me Firefly and snap those cute, candid pictures you used to take.

fuck.

I love you always♡

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

wholeday

2:13am. randomly wake up like I do throughout the night when I don't take a Trazodone & let my dogs out
2:15am. upon realizing it's a full moon (no wonder why an ex I broke up with a year ago texted me yesterday and why my emotions have been turbulent the last few days....), I Google Full Pink Moon April 2023 and find out it's in Libra and then send my friends a screenshot of its meaning
6:15am. alarm goes off playing Time of No Reply by Nick Drake; I snooze it, pet my puppy, and doze off
6:24am. snooze alarm again
6:33am. alarm goes off once more and I decide I can get up for the day because I really have to go to the bathroom... but also snuggle the pup one last time

6:44am. let the dogs out + put new food and water down, look at my mom's room and think about tidying it but only haphazardly making the bed (what's the saying? not my monkeys, not my circus)
6:49am. put on a playlist that matches my vibes right now (softie on Spotify)
6:52am. clean my room, switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer, light a lavender incense

7:01am. fill my medicine planner for the week: mornings with lithium, Celexa, and a probiotic/evenings with lithium and a prenatal vitamin (my mom always said they help with hair and nails ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
7:07am. straighten my bangs like I have since I was 13, brush my teeth & get annoyed with my gums when they bleed a little because we have this talk every morning and they never said a thing?, eye my five palettes and decide for day 832 that I'm not putting make-up on, wipe my face with a cotton round and micellar water, and choose my outfit that consists of mostly solid colors like I'm a fuckin' cartoon character
7:28am. I warm up a spinach egg white frittata I bought from Walmart yesterday for breakfast plus a pear fruit cup and a half empty 12oz orange juice
7:30am. my Leave For Work alarm goes off (Leather and Lace by Stevie Nicks & Don Henley) and I shut it off
7:35am. pack up my breakfast, work backpack, and purse... also glance at the daily calendar for inspiration

7:45am. finally leave for work and on my way, dial this maintenance line my mom wanted me to call and impersonate her so we can get a water leak resolved. when the call is over, I turn on the radio and Ride by twenty øne piløts comes on and I think about Kyli
8:02am. clock in to work on the mobile app but linger in my car a little longer to finish Patient Number 9 by Ozzy Osbourne
8:05am. morning meeting to discuss any pertinent client information
9:26am. all my coworkers have left to deliver medicine and I am sitting at my desk going through Ethan Garland's TikTok and considering cleaning my work car
9:32am. print a copy of the article "6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Cutting Off a Toxic Family Member" by Samantha Vincenty using company resources and feel zero shame about it
9:35am. think about the client I'm going to meet next week who was the salutatorian of his high school class, went to university, graduated with a degree, and then had a psychotic break last year where he started feeling weird and had to be admitted into a mental hospital and plucked his own eyeballs out at the root because the voices in his head told him that's the only way he could stop seeing all the evil in the world.... I have felt unshakably disturbed and sad since hearing this
9:40am. get bleach wipes and wet rag and go clean my work car
10:21am. help with clinic some but generally fuck around and spend 15 minutes trying to find one Instagram post to send to Mallori
10:44am. head to my house because the picture Amazon e-mailed me of my package being delivered is not my porch, though I text at stop lights and tell my team a schizophrenic client has changed her phone number for the fourth time this year & I call a different client to schedule getting coffee tomorrow morning. I judge the vehicles I pass by and make mental notes of whether it's something I can see myself in and what color when I get shit crackin' for myself and can afford it
10:45am. Keith sends me this out of line meme that makes me shake my head and laugh:

11:06am. package is retrieved and dogs are behaving like they've been abandoned for 86 days

11:24am. put on Kiki's Delivery Service, ate a chicken Caesar wrap, and did my anatomy & physiology assignment from last week
12:42pm. feeling tired as shit and want to take a nap but I guess I continue to study (whack)
1:10pm. bathroom break then head to the client appointment I set for 1:00 when she lives ten minutes away. I text her and say I'm on my way. once in the car, I find a random 90s Country playlist on Spotify because that's the kind of music she enjoys

1:16pm. I zone out while Something Like That by Tim McGraw plays because it reminds me of 8th grade when I gave my iPod to Mackenzi Meier to put music on and this song was included in that dump
1:19pm. I looked up from typing that last line on my phone and the only way to not run this red light is to slam on my breaks and I think of the ding it'll add to my car insurance app
1:36pm. randomly think of when I watched The Cable Guy two weeks ago and how Jim Carrey is my slapstick hero
1:38pm. sing Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain at the top of my lungs to my client in an attempt to cheer her up
1:47pm. see a gorgeous Black woman with a hillbilly white man at Sam's Club & mentally ask her why???
2:20pm. as soon as my client gets out at her apartment I put on I Love Dom by Dom Kennedy and text my team's group chat that her paranoia/delusions are back & she changed her number because she has a weird feeling someone is after her though voices no suicidal ideation/homicidal ideation
2:42pm. pick up a new client and put on my funk playlist because that's what he enjoys; Atomic Dog by George Clinton is up first
3:24pm. at McDonalds with a client, eating a cinnamon roll and drinking a mocha frappé dreading all the sugar I'm putting in my body, asking him why he felt suicidal last night and had to go to respite. he said the voices came back and are being mean to him and it's the only way he can think of to make them stop. in between topics he mumbles to himself, interacting with his auditory hallucinations. I sit, belly full, and remember a time when I felt the same way
3:30pm. back in the car, Oh Sheila by Ready For the World playing
3:33pm. glanced at the clock & made a mental note to look up what angel number 333 means
3:34pm. glanced at the dash & see I have 333 miles to empty, smile to the Universe
3:38pm. drop my client off and hug him goodbye because a lot of us need more hugs
3:39pm. sit too long at a stop sign and find out "333 encourages to set plans into action and let personal strength be the guide; to trust yourself and put thought into your choices", Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey plays quietly
3:42pm. wondering if all this phone time counts against me on my car insurance app
3:44pm. wondering if I'm using too many inconsistent verb tenses for this entry
3:56pm. sitting in an automatic car wash thinking about The Nun (which I watched a couple days ago) and about how much I respect/adore/admire James Wan
4:26pm. bathroom break
4:30pm. discuss the day with my coworkers but eventually trail off and start shooting the shit
4:51pm. clock out and putt home
4:53pm. ogle at the beautiful red 2023 Ford Bronco on the road and feel like a Benedict Arnold because I know Toyota is where it's at
4:58pm. answer phone call from Mom and tell her I did not get the water leak taken care of from this morning's attempt
5:04pm. turn the radio on and start singing along to Flowers by Miley Cyrus, internally smiling because my brother told me it reminds him of me and that warms my heart
5:10pm. clean the dogs' dishes and give them fresh food & water
5:26pm. my aunt shows me pictures of her kitten, annoying the fuck out of me because she knows I vehemently hate cats
5:47pm. delete all text threads from my phone except Kedino's (I need some information he sent) and Kyli's (an unwatched TikTok from six hours ago awaits patiently)
5:50pm. spend 10 minutes organizing the yard and scolding pups because they won't let me take a perfectly curated photo of Study Time in The Yard (and the towel on the open bathroom door ruins the whole thing for me)

5:58pm. answer brother's phone call from jail; confirm I got his text to put $50 on his books, not his phone
6:00pm. commence studying
6:24pm. leave the house to head to the college
6:43pm. arrive at the college and send Izabela a funny TikTok
6:44pm. send Kassie a moving TikTok
6:45pm. continue studying in the classroom
7:00pm. stop my medicine alarm (The Nearness of You by Norah Jones); I didn't bring my pills because I hadn't ate since three and lithium makes me nauseous if my stomach is empty
7:04pm. begin exam
7:24pm. finished exam and feel so great except I was shaky either from excitement or low blood sugar
7:48pm. Google the answers of the exam I drew a blank on since I take pictures of it before I turn it in #stealth
8:10pm. go over the scantron portion of the exam & find out I got 72/88 [81%]

8:18pm. get out of the car and take this

8:20pm. sing along to Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe on the radio
8:26pm. phone vibrates to let me know Kanisha sent me a silly TikTok that I don't open for another eleven hours
8:28pm. get to house, change into oversized long sleeve shirt for bed, let the dogs out, give Ozzy his antibiotic (upon reflection, does my mom do anything for these dogs? lmaooo), bathroom break
8:35pm. make myself a gourmet dinner consisting of a turkey sandwich (with lettuce and too much mayo) and a little snack thing from Walmart that has carrots, broccoli, ranch, and a cheese stick… my thoughts wander and I started judging & arguing with someone in my head who I haven’t talked to in two or three months until I acknowledge I’m sick and put an end to it
8:48pm. remembered to put the money on brother’s books
8:52pm. turn on One Punch Man (s1:e5 The Ultimate Mentor) while I eat
9:00pm. put the snack thing back in the fridge because I'm full off the sammy
9:38pm. added FOREVER by Jessie Reyez featuring 6lack to softie
9:48pm. get real emotional and know I have to sit with it instead of suppress or distract or ignore it, though my chest is starting to quiver and my throat is tightening.... a normal person would probably cry but I suppressed that for so long I struggle to unless I'm pushed to my furthest edge; One Good Time by Tech N9ne comes to mind
9:52pm. turned on How Can You Mend A Broken Heart by Al Green as either a salve or salt
10:00pm. remembered the moon will be full in an hour and a half
10:03pm. turned on Calling My Phone by Lil TJay featuring 6lack
10:00pm. farted and scared the sleeping puppy.... embarrassed to report I laughed real sinister
10:07pm. turned on None of Your Concern by Jhené Aiko featuring Big Sean
10:13pm. pasting all this to Blogger from a Note on my phone, adding pictures/hyperlinks/edits
10:51pm. remembered to take evening meds
11:05pm. thinking I should wash my face before I go to bed but know that is not happening
11:40pm. all done! popping a Trazodone, letting Ozzy out his kennel, reading Mallori's replies, and go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"Days are long, years are short." —Skai Jackson

Monday, April 3, 2023

page 20

The first time I heard about A Million Little Pieces was in 2006 amid all the allegations that James Frey's self-proclaimed memoir was filled with more falsities than anyone was initially willing to admit. My aunt and mom talked about it after seeing him on The Oprah Winfrey Show. I think my aunt even had a copy.

The next time I came across this book was my... sophomore? year of high school. I read it in less than a month and was obsessed. There was a lot I identified with; the self-deprecation, the low self-esteem, the overwhelming love he felt when he finally met someone as messed up yet wonderful as he, the defiance. Frey's lack of punctuation & use of repetition & spectacular story arc has inspired me for years; it truly out-weighs any bullshit publicity that tried so desperately to taint its grandeur.

In the coming years, I'd sporadically reread A Million Little Pieces. Every time I did, because of what I'd experienced or just with age and maturity, I understood him more and more. Around the sixth time through it when I was 26 years old and regularly attended Alcoholics Anonymous, it felt more like a reflection of my own darkness/overcoming than deception. When my man said, "I can feel the weight of my life beginning to drop and I realize why dawn is called mourning," all I could think was, "Been there!" Some other lines I have highlighted:

"I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind."
"She is as beautiful a girl as I have ever seen. Her eyes, her lips, her teeth, her hair, her skin. The black circles beneath her eyes, the scars I can see on her wrists, the ridiculous clothes she wears that are ten sizes too big, the sense of sadness and pain she wears that is even bigger."
"Because I'm fucked up and I'm fucked up really bad. I don't know what happened or how I ever ended up like this, but I did, and I've got some huge fucking problems and I don't know if they're fixable. I don't know if I'm fixable."

So when I'm asked about a book I love, this one is always in my top three. I am James. He is me. We are we. It's as real and visceral as any other book I enjoy. And if you have an appreciation for an artsy, dark underdog tale, then this is probably your jam too. Come join us.

ps. the 2018 movie did not represent the book well so I will not encourage anyone to watch it. Billy Bob Thornton was an interesting choice for Leonard but Lilly had blonde hair for fuck's sake....

Sunday, April 2, 2023

Strong

I was texting my friend yesterday and she said she didn't want to leave a low-paying job that causes her stress because, essentially, she would feel like a quitter. I've always been a quitter though I used to be degrading and cruel to myself about it. I do think the manner in which I've ended things has been unorthodox at best, but here's what I said to her. I says, "I think capitalism has us in a chokehold and while we're being exploited by being encouraged to have maximum commitment/effort to an economy that doesn't give us healthcare/nutrition/leisure/peace of mind, I applaud everyone who acknowledges when their position isn't serving them and who makes the hard decision to go where they want to guilt-free."

I'm 29 years old. I got my first job when I was 17 and I've had fourteen since then. Plus, I've tried out five or so cities as an adult. On paper, my work history looks appalling. But when I was surrounded by toxic nurses at the hospital or had uninspiring duties like stocking hotdogs at a gas station or felt a deep homesickness at the Ross in Florida, I had no qualms with putting in my two weeks. Sometimes I didn't fulfill said two weeks and that goes back to the irresponsible tactic of how I stood up for myself. But whether it's a book I'm not enjoying, a relationship that depletes my spirit, or leaving an event early because my social battery is on empty, I will always put an end to things that make me unhappy. I feel very strongly about this and encourage others to do the same.

I'll admit in this blind effort to be constantly satisfied I have messed up great opportunities, mostly educational or job-wise. I've been hearing this mantra from all angles lately and so the Universe must be hinting at something. At the end of this Tech N9ne song Brother KT says, "What God has for you is for you." So I feel like despite all the ducking and dodging, no matter the motivation, I'm still on the same path I was meant to be on. And I'm thriving! None of the negativity is dragging me down today and that's because I can abandon the bullshit with increasing ease. Let's reframe it and ask yourself.... what can you quit today that will enhance your life for the better?

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” ―Charlie Chaplin

Saturday, April 1, 2023

5 Ways to Win

Historically, the recipe for my love has been quite simple. All a man had to do was have some sort of drug addiction, a deplorable sense of style, little to no concern with mature endeavors, poor communication skills, and engage in the most mediocre, vanilla sex imaginable. Check all those boxes and ya girl was smitten.

I was in the 8th grade when David asked me on a date to the movies. He was this white boy a grade above me from a nearby town. He played soccer with my older brother and even though I wasn't particularly drawn to him, any iota of attention (or perceived affection) made my stomach titillate like a pavilion full of butterflies. His mom drove us there; I was always afraid of people's parents for no reason at all. I don't remember much besides the wonderful smell of his cologne, the fact that he paid, and the movie was The Bucket List. We didn't kiss. Maybe held hands? We were quiet and didn't get to know each other any better than if we hadn't gone at all, but it was the effort that I admired. I watched entirely way too much tv growing up, leaving me the most romantic gorl there ever was. This first date wasn't anything extraordinary and he didn't end up being the love of my life, though somehow it was still perfect.

Somehow, over the years, I let my standards use a backhoe to dig a hole to put the bar in. That first time David asked me out, at his ripe age of fourteen, he made all the typical gentleman moves and I enjoyed every second of it. From there on, I was driving 45 minutes to see dudes skateboard, accepting house dates, getting STDs from yucky sluts, and giving free lessons on how to be a better man. If I had a dollar for every time someone I was emotionally invested in respected me, we'd be eating off the dollar menu. It was not a good time.

In 2018 I found women on Instagram who would change the course of my life. I used to date for love, and let me tell you something, that shits is dead. Let's bring the bride-dowry model back. Between Imani (Actual Black Mermaid), Betsy, and Charlie, I learned that men & romantic love are not the center of the Universe, that men are more often than not misogynists to some degree, and are entirely too spoiled by society and women. I could attest to alladat from my personal past, my homegirls' histories, and sociological studies. They gave me the confidence to demand more, focus on my goals, and know that my boundaries/standards are not negotiable nor up for debate. It's been so fucking liberating.

I recently ended the best relationship I have ever been in and yet there was still so much room for improvement between the two of us. Despite the random CashApps and fun trips to Dallas and running candle-lit baths where he read me short stories, that didn't override the nagging incompatibility tugging at my heart strings whispering, This isn't it. So moving forward, I gotta up the ante. The bar is now on the roof and I know it's only going to keep getting higher. So what are the five ways to win my heart moving forward 2kforever???

Need someone who is either in therapy or reads (and applies!!!) self-help books or journals or some shit... some indication that he knows we need to heal from our childhood in one way or another/we live in a terrifying era of history and are traumatized from headlines alone.
I talk a lot and I'm often all over the place. Nothing gets me wetter than an active listener. I loathe people who interrupt or change the subject as soon as my sentence ends as though what I said floated into the ether and not their ears.
Love is a verb♡ I need someone who can recommit daily to what we're working towards. Doing any small task that makes my life easier is my jam and ease is what I'm in the business of. Romantic gestures just because and gift giving fuels my soul.
I have an exigent personality and someone who accepts, nay celebrates, this is a requirement. You gon put up with my relentless songs/memes/thoughts/TikToks all day and then go on that vegan diet for a month because I watched a documentary about it and listen to me repeat the same story I already told you for the third time this week or nah?
Gotta have a top-notch sense of humor. I'm the silliest there ever was, so watching stand-up comedy or listening to me riff about something absurd I experienced or practicing the choreography to Michael Jackson's Thriller by replaying the music video 86 times is a must.

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time... and always one more time.” ―Maya Angelou