☼

 please turn on "Sunrise" by Norah Jones

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."

— Annie Dillard

restart

 please turn on "Absolute Beginners" by David Bowie ♡

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” 

— Carl Jung

30 lives

day 30: what labels (negative and positive) do you assign yourself?

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▲ student

▲ Millennial

▲ writer

▲ quitter

▲ amateur social media private investigator

▲ degenerate

▲ deviant

▲ daughter/sister/niece/aunt/friend/godmother

▲ reader

▲ ugly

▲ comedian

▲ artist

▲ incorrigible

▲ insatiable

▲ movie aficionado

▲ Dave Chappelle groupie

▲ druggie

▲ trailer trash

▲ loser

▲ pleb

▲ bipolar

▲ sad gorl

▲ adventurous

▲ athlete

▲ Cassius's emotional support human

▲ partyer

▲ overbearing

▲ romantic

▲ Megan Thee Stallion enthusiast

▲ controlling

▲ curator

▲ archivist

▲ communist

▲ neat freak

▲ hater

▲ big mouth

▲ cynic

highway 29

day 29: what words or beliefs do you (want to) live your life by?

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"the very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for.

and the most you can do is live inside that hope.

not admire it from a distance but live right in it.

under its roof."

— Barbara Kingsolver

January 28

day 28: who are your role models and what qualities do you share with them?

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❁ my mama | loving

❁ Marcus | loyal

❁ Kurz | kind

❁ Whitney | blunt

❁ Kyli | eager to learn, hilarious

❁ Kassie | steadfast

❁ Dave Chappelle | authentic

❁ Nina Simone | bold

27 & done

day 27: what's one choice you can make right now that your future self will thank you for?

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 focus

was it 26

day 26: what parts of yourself are you ashamed of? what does your shadow self look like?

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     Discussing what I'm ashamed of feels redundant at this point because I play that game weekly. And quite honestly, it's played out... I remember self-deprecation being acceptable during my late teenage years. It was embraced and comfortable in a way. Alas, years passed and something in the atmosphere shifted & now The Collective We™ are into self-care + self-love + self-improvement. So that really lightens up my pity parties I host during episodes of shame spiraling.

"The 'shadow' is a concept first coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung that describes those aspects of the personality that we choose to reject and repress. For one reason or another, we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like—or that we think society won’t like—so we push those parts down into our unconscious psyches. It is this collection of repressed aspects of our identity that Jung referred to as our shadow self. (Jack E. Othon, August 2020)"

     Who I've repressed reminds me of this excerpt from In the Company of Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Makers, Artists, and Entrepreneurs by Grace Bonney (2016):

25 to life

day 25: what things are you really really good at?

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• writing
• communication
• research
• photo editing
• wittiness
• choosing fantastic movies & documentaries to watch
• organization
• cleaning
• taking care of my dog
• cooking/baking
• walking
• taking notes
• photography
• borrowing money
• posting daily Instagram stories
• babysitting
• I'd like to think friendship
• retaining random information
• snail mail
• falling asleep mid-conversation
• eating chicken fajita salads with two sides of avocado ranch from Fuzzy's
• giving gifts
• swimming
• archiving everything
• putting a lot of mayonnaise on sandwiches
• being mercurial
• mowing grass
• overspending on Nike apparel
• sending on-point gifs + reaction pics

24k magic

day 24: what's something you wish someone would say to you?

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     For real for real for real for real? I have no clue. Because there have been so many approaches attempted to motivate me and none seem to work. My mom has tried to be nurturing as well as stern. A friend used to ask me daily if I was working on my writing project and I'd always say, "Not yet." Then he switched to not checking in so often, but I felt like he wasn't helping me stay accountable. My brother has been supportive but also doesn't hesitate to tell me straight-up that I stay repeating toxic patterns. My best friend constantly reminds me to ask myself what are the facts? instead of running wild with my ruminating thoughts but I don't listen and drive myself crazy. My sister relentlessly tells me how proud she is of me and how much she looks up to me and how I inspire her to keep trekking, yet that only brings me shame since I consider myself jogging in place for years now. My dad is a lunatic and aggressively berates me with all mediums: phone call, text messaging, FaceTime, in person. That doesn't encourage me to do better as much as fuels my inner wounded child with more bricks to build fortress Let No One In.

     Oh, I know. 

     "Here's the million dollars you asked for."

heart attack at 23

day 23: what does your support system look like? how can you make it stronger?

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     My mom is loyal to a fault. She's extremely codependent; her entire existence is based around trying to nurture others even when her energy reserve is all but depleted. She sets herself on fire to keep others warm and she's horrible with saying "no". Her go-to method of communication is writing letters. Confrontation is her kryptonite. I hate this for her. My mama is the hardest rider in my corner, blowing any semblance of competition out of the water. Sometimes her aid falls into enabling territory. In the past, I've been guilty of manipulating her into getting my way. Toxic as fuck and she never deserves any of the bullshit people drag her through. 

     I'm not joking one bit when I say my support system couldn't get any stronger. I have a conglomerate of amazing people in my corner, variegated temperaments who fit every situation and phase of my life. My brother Marcus is a practical, generous Sagittarius that has no qualms with being really real with me. My uncle Ricky is hilarious and wise and always there to listen. My aunt Janel — as argumentative as we can be — loves me tirelessly and nurtures my spirituality. My aunt Gina is a sensitive hard ass who always has my back, even when I'm fucking up. My sweet cousins are the most supportive angels: Izabela, Shalynn, Jasmine, and Nina. Falia and Grace keep me grounded. My baby Cassius Clay who teaches me unconditional love every damn day.

     My best friends have dealt with my nonsense for over a decade and they are my everything. Brian, Emily, Kassandra, Keith, Kyli, Mallori, Maria, Whitney... My sweet babies I could never repay for their shoulders, resources, affection, consideration, grace!!, and humor.

     Yeah, no, I pretty much got it covered over here. ♡

catch 22

day 22: what things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway?

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     Oh fuckin aye, if my anxiety was an interrogator. I reflect on this several times throughout my days. The Shame Wizard is my shadow and I can't seem to escape him. I feel bad when I snooze my alarm five times instead of getting up the first time. (Needless to say, it starts from the time I open my eyes for the day.) I'm late allllll the fuckin' time and this gnarly habit could fix my dilemma godspeed but here we are. 

     My phone takes up entirely way too much of my attention. Sometimes my weekly average lets me know I spend as much time browsing Instagram/Pinterest/Twitter/iMessage as I do at the job that pays me. Big Yikes.

     I see airbrushed women on social media, or even talented ones in person, and I tell myself I need to start putting make-up on & styling my hair & wearing clothes that don't include solid colored tops, jeans, and white shoes. This hasn't seemed to come to fruition but someday...

     I've landed in real ugly places for going through people's phones/iPads/Facebooks/e-mails. I only feel slightly bad for this. I don't really want to stop but I don't deny I should see a therapist.

     Buying movies on Vudu when I'm way past budget stresses me out, but, boi, you should see my movie collection. *chef's kiss*

     The first time I participated in organized sports I was 6. My mom signed me up for volleyball at the community center, even though I'd never heard of it. I played every year until I was 17. After that I did intramurals volleyball in college and then pick-up games with friends whenever I could. I've played basketball (a gawky fawn on offense but a relentless beast on defense), ran track (not the fastest, not the slowest... mostly stuck with the 200 and 400), and after I graduated high school, I started learning more about weight lifting, HIIT, and yoga. My point... I am an athlete through and through. I love to move my body and see what it can do. Does this also mean I haven't been to the gym or raised my heart rate in 4 months outside of sex? Yes. Yes, it sure does.

    I've struggled with self-discipline since middle school. Waiting to start research papers a few hours before they were due when Maria assigned them two months prior. Rarely doing Kurz's homework. I ignored Fammy's first assignment my freshman year and was ineligible for our first volleyball game. That stung. I've had four jobs in 2022. I still don't know Spanish. I have a shelf full of books I haven't read as well as a few chapters of a manuscript I started. I quit or don't try and then those failures cause me to spiral and so I don't try or quit. It's lovely, let me tell you.

freedom at 21

day 21: what's something you're working on believing that you deserve?

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     My spirituality is entirely contingent on my spirits. If I'm up and hopeful, I'm making vision boards and gratitude lists and tarot spreads and searching Pinterest for charts on chakras and what planets rule what attributes. I believe that every time I see 444 (which is so incredibly often for the last eight years) I truly am on the right path in life. I charge crystals under a full moon and I repeat mantras with sage in hand until the whole house is cleansed. I am fascinated, earnestly trying to unlock the secrets of the Universe & answer all the questions. And it inspires me.

     When I'm down bad, I am atheism personified. Everything came from nothing. Life is unfair and black + white and luck does not exist, nor does peace. There is no karma. Earth exists as a misfits' paradise where we're all misunderstood and hurting and sad and traumatized. I kind of just float through the days, spending time with the Depression Kitty and binge-watching Forensic Files.

     Years ago I was venting to a therapist about the dichotomy of my precarious worth. 

     "How come when I make the vision board and I repeat the affirmations, nothing happens? Things don't seem to change."

     Because you have to believe it, she said. And that turned everything on its head. In the throes of my dark episodes, I am relentless with myself. I could write six volumes on Bible-thin pages about how useless I am, how ugly I am, how annoying I am, how plain I am, how weak I am... No wonder why my spells don't work. The foundation of them are faulty.

     What's something you're working on believing that you deserve? The things that bring ease and goodness and prosperity and equanimity. I want to believe I can live in comfort. Be loved by someone who I feel connected to. Forgive myself. A groovy aesthetic to decorate my room. Complete a degree or two and contribute to the mental health community. Maybe I deserve positivity just because I exist and I'm made of stardust. Those credentials are good enough.

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ALAIN DE BOTTON: Life used to be simpler. You just went down a certain path. There were three career options; now, it's one of a million. We're all the time aware of people who've used their brains in a certain way and hurray, it all, you know, went brilliantly right; and others who've crashed and failed miserably. So there's a frenetic atmosphere in modern society, particularly in the United States because this is the land of opportunity. And,you know, when I hear your politicians saying, you know, we want to build a United States where everyone, no matter where they come from, can get anywhere, I think two things. One, that's fantastic, fantastic, great. Two, it's got a nasty sting in the tail 'cause what happens if, in this land of opportunity, it doesn't go right for you? What happens?

By definition, not everybody can win the race. The United States is a society that believes in fairness at the beginning of the race. But then once the starting pistol goes, it's winner takes all. It's very frenetic to live in such a society. That said, you know, the United States rewards its winners like no other country on Earth. But in many ways, it punishes its losers. Now, that word is an American word - loser, you know. Pause. In the Middle Ages, in the United Kingdom, the word for somebody who was at the bottom of society was an unfortunate. Literally, somebody who, perhaps through no fault of their own, had failed because of the actions of fortune — the goddess of fortune — an unfortunate.

GUY RAZ: Wasn't their fault.

DE BOTTON: It wasn't their fault. Nowadays, in America, you're a winner, or you are a loser. Now, what is a loser? A loser is somebody who has failed according to the rules of the game that they have signed up to. In other words, we have made, in the United States, a meritocratic society where success is deserved, but failure is also deserved.

RAZ: So this is, like, a little bit depressing, right? I mean, this is—  all this pressure and stuff, and I don't know. I mean, how do we end it? Like, how do we change this? 

DE BOTTON: Look, the first thing is to recognize it and to treat ourselves with compassion. We are, on one level, an extremely privileged society, and so there's nothing to complain about — but yes, there is. The psychological pressures are enormous. We should be able to recognize it and — I don't mean this trivially — make jokes about it. What I mean by that is show a compassionate, tolerant regard for the pressures that we live under.

...So what I want to argue for is not that we should give up on our ideas of success, but we should make sure that they are our own. We should focus in on our ideas and make sure that we own them, that we are truly the authors of our own ambitions because it's bad enough not getting what you want; but it's even worse to have an idea of what it is you want, and find out at the end of the journey that it isn't, in fact, what you wanted all along. So by all means, success— yes. But let's accept the strangeness of some of our ideas. Let's probe away at our notions of success. Let's make sure our ideas of success are truly our own.

TED Radio Hour: What's A Kinder Way To Frame Success? November 1, 2013