welp

   When I was 20, my aunt told me about this voodo shit she heard on Oprah where you write a list of traits you desire in a significant other. Once completed, you hang it up in a window facing outward so the Universe can see it and help transpire this person. I liked the concept a lot. I've only done it two or three times. This last time I thought the Universe led me to someone special, but when I came across this list two months after the break-up, I realized I really slept on myself. Only two traits resembled him and one of those words was "nice". I think my cooking skillet is nice. I let myself slip up and settle. I severely misjudged this last boyfriend. With all the lessons I've learned in the past year, I feel confident that I know who and what I want in a man.

   I download Tinder every few months to try to meet someone. Things usually get weird and I delete it only to boomerang right back to it in a few weeks. I take Tinder half serious. The other half I'm screen-shotting absurd photos and hilarious bios to my friends. I went on a binge for about an hour yesterday, and I cannot believe some of the shit guys put out there in attempt to find their Tinderella.

•  The first one to pop up on my iPhone 6S screen was this light-skin Black man with braids named Travis. Travis is 26 and 3 miles away from me. His bio read: "Just and enlightenment hood Nigga that's tryna open his 3rd eye..... Gym addict, weed smoking Rasta mon with a golden aura.. I have two pitbulls and I'm a chef so if you like food and puppies I'm your dread head lol"

   Alright. Let's disect this. He's lying down in his picture with a half-smile and a huge chest tattoo reading Family Over Everything. I sent a screen-shot to my friend and she promptly replied, "Issa no for me. Fuck boy written all in his bio. He'd let you mold him for sure but it would be a battle. You would be wrong every time. Then he would leave you. And teach everything you taught him to another girl." I told her: That typo in the first setence got me buggin'. Swiped left.

• David, 29, University of Colorado, 4 miles away.

"Future architect. 

Gun owner (nerf)

Perfect day is when you transition directly from coffee to alcohol

I have a kid so I should probably have my life together by now

Snowboarding ▢ cooking ▢ golf ▢ movies

If you don't think faceswapping with non humans isn't art, you can gtfo

Buy ME a drink, cuz I'm a feminist not cuz I'm broke

I could be a pro athlete if I was like way better

I need a girlfriend so I can watch The Bachelor guilt free"

   He wasn't too cute, but that description is hilarious. It made me grin as I swiped left.

• Jake, 27: the photo shown is a beautiful mountain backdrop surrounded by green pine trees. Jake is standing in a creek... naked, with his blue jeans scrunched around his ankles, revealing his white skin and even whiter bum. Lookin' like he got on white chonies and shit. (Swiped left)

• Ping-an, 25, Colorado State University, 2 miles away. This dude is visibly oriental, right? And the first line of his bio says, "My name is Andy." I sent it to Bestie with a gif of a suspicious Oprah asking, "So what is the truth?" To the left, to the left.

• Devon, 26, Colorado State University-Pueblo, 54 miles away.

"If you swipe right on me I expect a form of response if I try to talk to you... I know I'm a good man and if you gonna ignore me... You just a stuck up lil girl that don't deserve this good man right here... Plain and simple I am sick and tired of being used, hurt, and played. I know my worth I deserve a good woman not a stuck up lil girl... Wasting MY time if you swipe right on me and don't talk nor have interest in me... If you do swipe right... I am the nicest person you'll ever meet."

   I sent this bio and the picture of this 6'2'', yoked Black man wearing a gray muscle shirt, orange basketball shorts, and black Under Armour shoes posing at the gym. I told her, "Devon is taking 26 years of relationship frustrations out on his Tinder audience ☠." Left.

• I can't even make this one up. I won't include his details, but this dude looks like the guy who shot up the school in Degrassi: The Next Generation. La izquierda.

• Ryan, 26, 4 miles away. Soft brown eyes and dark skin under a black Chicago Bulls hat was the first thing I noticed on this one. Okay... I thought. Now we're cookin' in Crisco. His bio includes an emoji at the end of every line, which is kind of high school to me, but it is what it isn't.

"Ohio bred *acorn emoji*

420 friendly *orange leaf emoji*

Driven *city photograph emoji*

Writer *pencil on paper emoji*

Art *palette emoji*

Future Barber *barber's pole emoji*

Rapper *old school microphone emoji*

Work *smiley with money eyes emoji*

I'm 6'4" (before you ask) *flexing emoji with dark skin*

I don't have kids *man with arms crossed*

And no criminal record but I might steal your heart *laughing with tears emoji* ...wait that isn't really funny online? Or is it? *hand on chin emoji*

Dry converstationalists are NOT welcomed. Unmatch yo ass quicker than you searching for socks in a rush *laughing with tears emoji* *unimpressed emoji*

New to Fort Collins

I'm goofy as fuck 90% of the time. So don't be boring *laughing with tears emoji* 

Want somebody, don't need nobody. *100 emoji*

Anthem: DNA by Kendrick Lamar

   My friend said, "The rapper part turns me off but other than that he sounds nice."

   "Just read it as poet," I texted back. It's such a strange era to be dating, because of all the access we have to everyone's information as well as the obscure ways we meet. I think I'd rather grab a pencil & my sketchbook and consult with the Universe instead.