At my private Christian school, my mom opted out of allowing the staff to use corporal punishment on me. Moses, the consistently naughty boy in my class, was not so lucky. If he was being disruptive, he was removed from the room and sent to the principal's office. From down the hall, we could hear explosive wails of pain as the principal lit his ass up. In the name of Jesus, probably. When I graduated from that school, I could recite Psalms 100 and Psalms 23 from memorization. I was at a fifth grade reading level. I would cut anyone off who used the word "God" as an expletive ("Don't say the Lord's name in vain!"). For years I had this porcelain Bible that opened to Psalms 100 on my dresser and a cross on my wall with the Lord's Prayer etched into it.
During this time, I had a deep fear of God instilled in me. I felt gut-wrenching guilt every time I thought about boys in a romantic way. My mom would gossip about women and say things like, "And she had a baby out of wedlock," a judgment I carried with me over the years, ignoring the fact that my mother had my eldest brother out of wedlock. I picked and chose what values to employ— maybe I was a Christian.
When I was 13, I became best friends with a girl who was a staunch Catholic, and around the same time, I also started getting closer to my dad's sister who was Catholic. The influence of these relationships led me to begin practicing Catholicism and going to CCD. (My best friend and I thought Dane Cook's bit about the atheist who gets reincarnated as a tree, chopped down by a lumber jack, and used as paper for the Bible to printed on was comedic gold.) I am an addict through and through, so when I started this chapter in my life, I was all in. I tried to abide by the rules and I sang the hymns in church and I tried to be in-sync at the "and also with you"s and I consciously worked on genuflecting with my right knee down. I was really nailing it (pun unintended). My goal was to get baptized and confirmed so I could officially belong, and I felt earnestly about it. Like my sins and woes could truly be repented for and taken away like a wisp of smoke into the night.
A few months into this, there was a luncheon after mass one Sunday. I was enjoying the simple Midwestern food, goofing off with my best friend, and soaking up the residual glory of the morning's sermon. I went to the bathroom at one point. Not a huge event. Pretty innocuous. And upon returning to my seat my bestie told me something I wish she didn't, because over fifteen years later I still think about it all too often. She leaned over to me and whispered, "When Father Jerry came to our table to say hello, he asked about you. And Elaine Spaeth leaned over and told him, 'She's not even Catholic.'" The aching in my heart reverberating to my bones. I didn't understand why someone from the parish felt the need to say something like that. I didn't understand how, after working so diligently, I was still seen as an outsider. I didn't understand what the meaning of being Christian was if not attending mass every Sunday, touching the holy water upon entering the church to purify my sins, or believing in a God who would forgive me for all the embarrassing & terrible things I'd done.
I went to CCD every Wednesday evening for almost two years. I met some nice friends there. As middle schoolers, sometimes we would take it seriously but majority of the time we would pass notes, mock our teacher, or make stupid faces at each other from across the room. I remember leaving a lesson on why abortion was a sin and feeling... weird about it. The teacher showed us those examples of mutilated fetuses while explaining for an hour why there are no exceptions for cases of rape, incest, or to save the mother's life. It's all a part of God's plan. I never went back after that.
When I was 15, my greatest obsession was MySpace, and I clocked more hours in a day on that site than most people spent at their job. This was also a time in my life where I started branching out: hanging out with friends in different towns, drinking alcohol & smoking weed, getting into politics, and molding into who I would eventually become. A pivotal moment for me was a conversation I had with a 17-year-old atheist on MySpace. I had never met anyone who didn't believe, and I was curious mixed with scared and sprinkled with confusion. I asked him, "What do you think happens when we die then?" And this man replied, "I don't care. It doesn't matter." Yo???? It never dawned on me at all that this was an option. That was a wrap for Christianity for me and I never went back. My CCD teacher mailed me a letter a few months after I quit attending CCD though I never responded.
When I was 16 years old, I studied different religions. I wanted to be Buddhist as there was a lot that resonated with me when I discovered the eightfold path and Four Noble Truths. I got a little hung up on the Five Precepts and felt like a hypocrite. The different goddesses and gods of Hinduism piqued my interest, but it's such an extensive religion. When I was in junior college taking humanities courses, I learned some about Greek mythology, which has always made most sense to me. Having a goddess of love, a god of war, a god of water, a goddess of wisdom... The delegation is practical. How can one entity do it all? I had a phase where I wondered what the United States of America was called before Amerigo Vespucci voyages and found Indigenous people of North America called it Turtle Island. A guy trying to date my friend taught me a little about Islam. My vulgar wildness could never be tamed by the Qur'an, and you should have seen this dude's flushed face at 5pm after soccer practice and fasting all day for Ramadan. Everything isn't for everyone, ya know?
When I am asked what religion I am, I quickly reply, "I'm atheist." It's loud and it's clear. I do not subscribe to a white man in the sky who is his son but also a spirit who loves everyone "unconditionally" but will send some to a miserable, fiery hell under certain conditions and gives humans free will but then punishes them for using said free will in ways he doesn't agree with.
I graduated high school and community college with an associate of arts as well as a practical nursing license. I have studied vehemently throughout my life for leisure, academics, and my writing. As someone with a modern, educated brain, I can never go back to monotheism. Snakes don't talk. They lack the language acquisition device coined by linguist Noam Chomsky. Men cannot walk on water. Physics teaches us the force of gravity caused by human weight breaks the surface tension of water. A virgin cannot birth a child. That's biology 101. A zygote needs sperm to fertilize the egg in order to develop into an embryo. Duh. A human most likely would not survive one night in a lion's den; zoology. Moses claimed he received orders from a burning bush saying it was the voice of God. If this were reported in 2025, I can assure you it falls under the psychological disorder schizophrenia. It is unchallenged faith that paved a way for atrocities like the Jonestown Massacre being fathomable.
As an adult, I became most knowledgeable about Christianity since it's the dominant religion in the United States and affects my personal life. I used to be hardcore about being "right". I loved to disparage, argue, and mock any Christian who would engage with me. Christians waged war for two centuries in attempt to reclaim Jerusalem, causing 1.7 million casualties. What is liturgy and light and love about that? The Bible came out circa the 4th century when medical ailments were attributed to demonic possession and humans believed the sun rotated around Earth. Eating a wafer meant to represent someone's body before drinking a liquid and believing it is metaphorical blood is very strange to me. The New Testament came out 35-70 years after Jesus' death. That's a lot of room for error and misinterpretation to base one's whole existence off.
Mahatma Gandhi was a real one when he said, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." The Elaine Spaeths of the world are not few and far between. I think of my Christian classmate who wouldn't let me borrow her spare athletic shoes for gym when I forgot mine. I think of all the Christians who voted for Donald Trump in all his wickedness. I think about how the Catholic Church is synonymous with sexually abusing young boys and covering it up. I think of my friend who grew up in a mentally abusive LDS household where her kid brother was forced to stand in the kitchen with a sign that said, "I pee the bed and I am a bad boy," for hours after a bed-wetting accident. I think of "mission trips" where (usually white) religious people travel to random locations and try to convince locals that their way of living is superior. Very colonizer vibes. Very ethnocentric. Very not demure. (I recently saw a post on a Black man's Instagram that's stuck in my head: "Believing the religious practices of your ancestors are evil, while believing the religious practices of those were evil to your ancestors are divine, is wild.") I think of slave masters exploiting Black enslaved folk by saying it was "God's will" for them to be subservient. I think of how belonging to a Protestant Christian denomination was usually a requirement for KKK membership. And yet, I feel most judged by those who belong to an organized religion. I chose to become a mirror of their malice. Another one of my favorite sayings is: there is no hate like Christian love.
I think of this Bill Maher speech from his mockumentary Religulous often:
"Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith and enable and elevate it are our intellectual slaveholders, keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction. Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do. Most people would think it's wonderful when someone says, 'I'm willing, Lord. I'll do whatever You want me to do.' Except that since there are no gods actually talking to us, that void is filled in by people with their own corruptions, limitations, and agendas. It's going to happen, and I'm not saying necessarily nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it'll be something like that. And anyone who tells you they know — they just know what happens when you die — I promise you, you don't. How can I be so sure? Because I don't know, and you do not possess mental powers that I do not. The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble. And that's what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong."
If I were to walk by an alley and see a woman being hurt, I would intervene and try to help. I would aid a complete stranger. And yet, the "god" so many worship would not assist someone they created and claim to love. I don't know, sounds more like my dad than a divine being. When I consider the power of prayer, I am reminded of the Black people who were enslaved in the United States for 200 years being tormented, raped, and murdered. They believed in a god. I'm sure they prayed and prayed and no salvation came. People who were innocent and exploited and harmed. People without extravagance, corruption, and selfishness. If those people who deserved grace and deliverance most were not saved by a just god, I have no faith anyone else across history will be. This is all sheer luck of the draw where cruelty can prevail and Elon Musk & Jeff Bezos can be billionaires with no regard for inequity and racism/sexism/classism can run rampant. Imagine standing by while Emmett Till, Eric Garner, Breyona Taylor, Trayvon Martin, and Tamir Rice were murdered with no repercussions. If god existed, I'm sure it is a man because everything is inefficient and messed up down here.
Because, in theory, as long as I try my best in this chaotic life but choose atheism, I will go to hell. At the same time, someone who raped a child can go to heaven as long as they "repent". And I am to believe we are on an equal playing field? I think not. Slavery was legal (and religiously condoned). Abortion, which is healthcare, is now illegal. Christians with shout "all lives matter" solely to oppose the unparalleled Black Lives Matter movement yet don't vote for social programs, livable wages, increased food stamps/housing aid, nor affordable higher education to create stable, healthy households. Carliss Chatman asks, "If a fetus is a person at 6 weeks pregnant, is that when the child support starts? Is that also when you can’t deport the mother because she’s carrying a US citizen? Can I insure a 6 week fetus and collect if I miscarry?" Same-sex marriage was illegal in the United States for far too long. Imagine consenting individuals loving one another being a sin. There have been wars, segregation, terrorism, and systematic injustice at the hands of those who cling to organized religion. I see religion being used an oppressive tool as well as rope for people to be blindly led. Separation of church and state should exist for a reason because how are your beliefs impacting the activities I do in my daily life? My morality is not based on a stone tablet or messages from an angel. It does not take rocket science to know harming others intentionally is wrong. I innately care about others without any Biblical guidance. I give and pour and nurture those around me because that's what community is about, not because I think I will get a reward for it. I was a Christian early on in life because I was indoctrinated. But as a critically-thinking grown adult, organized religion is not something I encourage nor support. I view it more so as a study in humanities or sociology or history.
One of the most glaringly strange facets of religion I observe is the conscious disobedience of humans. In the past, when I have pointed out sinful behavior, the most common response is, "I'm human and I make mistakes." But if I felt like there was this magical juggernaut of a deity that created all life in the solar system and beyond, has a preconceived plan for my life, knows it all, has laid out "clear" instructions on what to do and what not to do, and all the time spent thinking about this deity, and they will drop the ball and do the opposite. The product of this is a world of unchecked zealots who will condemn those who are different for the same behavior they exhibit, publicly or clandestinely. If I felt like there was a glorious being who supported me in all I did, I would act accordingly and honor them with sanctity they deserve.
At the end of the day, I find organized religion a cop-out. I think that safety net of forgiveness, redemption, and Jesus dying for everyone's sins enables this endless get-out-jail free card. It lacks accountability and independent thought. Instead of critically assessing and gathering information about history, biology, botany, astronomy, etc., followers blindly accept what the Bible or priest/preacher/pastor/bishop/nun or Sunday school class says is the truth. Instead of acknowledging harmful, abusive, or unhealthy traits one might have, it's easy to chalk it up to "I was made this way" or "God is the only person who can judge me". While experiencing abuse, self-sabotage, or chaos, one can avoid facing it by claiming "this is all a part of God's plan". It's much more difficult to face ourselves and delve into the complexities of being a human in order to heal and move forward. In these instances, I feel like religion stunts our potential to grow and develop a more comprehensive understanding of why we do what we do & how to mend our wounds so they don't continuously affect our relationships and self-esteem.
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My genuine belief is most likely agnosticism. I don't know what happens when we die. Much like my MySpace muse, I don't care anymore. I'll handle that when the time comes. I am also not concerned with how we got here. It's irrelevant and won't impact how I spend my day tomorrow. In the meantime, I won't conform to the status quo of a religion I don't align with "just in case" one of them turns out to be right. I am inspired by the witchy/hippie/indigenous/spiritual persuasion. I enjoy saying a blessing before meals: thanking the food source, the hands that prepared it, and expressing gratitude to the Universe is just basic manners. (When I begin, I say "Mother earth, the stars, and moon..." and I end with "I say this with love, àsè.") My life quest on Earth just might be to learn as much as I can and give others & myself grace and advocate against injustice. But also I came across a concept once called pantheism; a user on Reddit summarizes it as, "A deep reverence for nature and the interconnectedness of all things. Pantheists see the universe itself as divine." I live for visuals that remind me of this.
[Human Vs Nature By Agnieszka Lepka]
I see the number "444" in many unsuspecting places: fast food receipts, glancing at the time, license plates, time stamps on photos I spontaneously take, phone numbers on billboards miles away from home. My crackhead aunt was the first person to tell me about "angel numbers" years ago. When I see them, I try to look them up right away to gauge if they have any significance. (Apparently Google is a spiritual leader now.) The common meaning for 444 seems to be regarding stability, divine guidance, and protection. It was conflicting to believe in this, though, because my remaining balance at the ATM would say $4.44 as I'm trying to maintain my coke high at dawn while leaving the strip club. I never found divine guidance there, unless it was in the DJ booth playing "Diana" by Pop Smoke for me.
I asked a friend if he was religious and he said, "I think driving down the road with the window down while listening to good music is spiritual. I believe it's in the small pockets of life. That's spirit to me." I agree, though I also lean into concepts that move me. For example, I have studied chakras for a decade now and will put on a playlist of chakra healing music while I clean or write or meditate. On a dark night when the stars shine and wink, I often drag anyone within arm's length outside with me to lie down on our backs and gawk. There is no denying some things are pure magic. Mitosis? Sodium ion channels? Photosynthesis? Baby turtles who are abandoned and use their instincts to survive from the moment they hatch? The hydrologic cycle??? Petrification? And the fact that humans have been so dedicated to the science of making these discoveries. This is probably what's happening:
The world sucks and I'm chronically depressed and things don't seem to be getting better and I never have enough money. And when Lock committed suicide, I had dreams about him for almost a decade. I understand the function of religion. My friend told me she has to believe her deceased father is somewhere better. I've been in a mental foxhole for years. I have begged and pleaded and cried out to anything that might Be to take my pain away. When the pit of despair snuffs out every particle of light, the thought of someone reaching down and pulling you out sounds like heaven. I get it.
Sometimes I'm too intellectual, like when I'm messing around with my oracle cards or doing a full moon ritual or saging my place while whispering a mantra or creating a vision board and wonder if it works or is merely a placebo effect. Meh. I don't mind either way. Time is a man-made construct & we are on a floating rock in space & capitalism is killing us all & I am here to endure it. Every acid trip in my 20s resulted in the epiphany that we are here to love. That's it. I will choose to spend my days watching my favorite movies and reading sociology books & memoirs and cooking dinner with my favorite person and taking pictures of my dog sleeping and loving my people and getting frustrated at volleyball 2kforever and creating playlists and sitting in my backyard absorbing luscious sun rays. And I will call it meaning.
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Red Feather, Colorado
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San Diego, California
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Sidney, Nebraska
Fort Collins, Colorado
*** The Book of Eli goes hard, though. So does "In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur. And "Jesus Christ" by Brand New. Also, one of my favorite movies ever is Saved!
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