mercurialness

       Last Thursday was truly a tipping point for me. I went into my roommate's bedroom and sat on the floor (where the lighting seemed to be most adequate) and I made a video for my Instagram story where I announced, "I have been feeling thee opposite of great this week, so in order to try to preserve a shred of sanity and avoid me going off the edge and deleting every social media platform and going radio silent again, I need a break... from Instagram. I'll probably do that the rest of the month... First, I'm going to shit-post what I have in my saved tab. My only concern is: what if I, like, get off and then Michael Che responds to my 80 million DMs I've sent him? And then he's all like, 'Do you want me to fly you out to fuckin' New York?' and I'm all like, 'Oh my god. I would love that!' And then he's all like, 'Do you wanna stay at the fuckin'...' I don't know. I've never been to New York. I don't know anything about it." (I was going to say, "...stay at the Mar-a-Lago", but that has too close associations with Drumpf. More importantly, I just looked it up on Wikipedia and that resort is, in fact, in Florida.) My precious-ass 17-year-old cousin texted me immediately.

       "Hey, what's up? I saw your story and I wanted to know if you wanted to talk." Before I can start typing a reply, a text from my 25-year-old twin flame popped up on my screen.

       "Aww J! What's getting you down?" I drafted one text in an itemized-list style to copy and send to both parties.

• My brother and favorite aunt relapsed and used meth last month.
• Being around my dad's family resuscitated some childhood traumas I could have swore I had laid to rest and healed from.
• I'm broke as fuck ALL. THE. TIME!!!!
• I was stopped and someone hit my car (totaling it) and so I had to buy a car that's older than my 20-year-old sister.
• Two of my friends that I've known for over ten years, for totally different reasons, called me an arrogant sociopath on the same day.
• My ex-boyfriend told me I don't care about people.
• I got into an argument with a friend from high school and really hurt her feelings over differing views. She asked me, "Why are you like this and why do you do the things you do?"
• This one shouldn't bug me so much but it does and I need to unpack why: my best friend is dating this man, and even though he's toxic (manipulative, abusive, psychotic), he's always spoiling her— buying her a Michael Kohrs purse & watch, Chanel perfume, Polo clothes, Nike shoes, $600 to fix her car, paying to get her nails done, at least $2,000 in cash... In every relationship I've been in, I've either gone half or I've had to pay for EVERYTHING.
• A friend of mine started writing a book last year, finished it this year, and self-published it on Amazon. I have been wanting to write a book for ten years and have had zero follow-through and feel like a fake-ass bitch.
• Being sad and stressed out about all this makes me unmotivated, so I called into work last Monday and then took Wednesday morning & Thursday afternoon off. I don't want to lose my job, but I feel so unwell and can't focus when my mind is scrambled eggs.
• I don't feel like I've progressed in this life. Not a fucking iota.

       Being vulnerable has never been an issue for me. On the contrary, it's shutting the fuck up that  I can't seem to do. I recently confessed a few of these stressors to my therapist and she had some good shit to say. My homework is to consider this:

Friendships & relationships: what's really going on here?

What are the patterns that exist in your friendships/relationships (age 18 and up)?

Do these resemble any patterns from my early childhood/adolescence?

Where do I fit in with that? What's my role?

        As I sit on my bed watching Billie Eilish: The World's a Little Blurry on Apple TV+, my 27-year-old soulmate texted me about the video so I copied and pasted my list into an iMessage. I received responses from all three simultaneously. And their messages were all composed in the same particularized manner my original sentiments were.

cousin: Your brother and aunt are not your problem. You need to make them leave your mind.

twin flame: out of your control 

soulmate: Advocate for your mom or someone else getting custody of your aunt’s kid. Those abides shouldn’t have to continue to go through that trauma. Apart from that there is nit much you can do for her or your brother. They need to get to a point where they want/need to give up drug usage. Don’t cut off contact or anything, especially with your brother, but don’t support his habit with money or rides etc.

cousin: Just ignore them. There's nothing much really that you can do about that. None of them live with you. People can tell you how they think they want you to live your life but until they actually do, they have no say.

twin flame: HEARD THAT. That’s me when I’m around my mom. So I get it. I find I have to get myself away when I’m feeling that way. Or find the good in those people.

soulmate: This is BIG one to work through in therapy. I think working on these underlying traumas will help you with reoccurring troubles in the present and future.

cousin: Try eating out less and get generic brands. Make a chart of what you spend the most money on and try to cut it down.

twin flame: Let’s try and fix that. A budget maybe?

soulmate: You’re gonna hate this one: create a budget and stick to it. It’s not realistic to cut out buying fast food but budget for only one night a week and stick to it. Skip going out to the club (unless a man is paying) and instead hang out at places that are cheaper/free.

cousin: Be happy you have a car and think this gives you room for improvement.

twin flame: Let’s be thankful we have a car, right? ♡ However, I’m sorry that happened. I wish it didn’t make you feel like a major setback in your life.

soulmate: Although it fucking sucks that someone crashed into your car, at least you have a replacement now to continue to get from A to B. It’s not that you have to drive it forever. You could work in a savings into you budget towards a newer car. It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe $5 a paycheck to start and then increase as your budget accommodates. Also analyze why having a 1999 Corolla is so frustrating. Is it because of a comparison to others or because the car doesn’t work correctly?

cousin: You are very empathetic. If you weren't, then a lot of these problems wouldn't be about other people's feelings.

twin flame: They don’t get ya like I get ya.

soulmate: If what your besties said struck a nerve, that means that what you want to believe about yourself is not aligning with your actions that they are calling out. Decide what you want to believe about yourself and set intentions on how you can make that clear and actions that you can take to make that the truth.

twin flame: YOU DO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE

soulmate: Your ex can fuck off. He’s a manipulative man who wanted to have girlfriend and got rejected and doesn’t know how to handle that so he’ll attack you.

cousin: You do things you do because you know what it's like to be hurt. You're being protective. Don't feel bad about that.

twin flame: Are you mad? Are you being mean? Why are people getting so touchy with you? Lol

soulmate: Let the the high school friend argument go. It’s in the past and will just take time and neither of you will care about it in a year or less.

cousin: It's shitty but time will come when she will stop getting money and fend for herself. Baby, you don't need no mans. Baby, you making it. I promise. You just need to get distracted with hobbies and save up. Then you can buy your own!!

twin flame: Yeah, that shit gets to me. I think we were raised to never take money from anyone so seeing other people get shit handed to them while we struggle is annoying.

cousin: A book would be a great distraction. I really would like you to send me an idea or topic from a plot line.

twin flame: Remember that friendly piece of advice about how a lot of people don’t get shit done until they’re older?

soulmate: No offense, but your friend wrote a smut book and you can do better. She also had a little more external stability to support finishing a book quickly. Stabilize your financial situation and sub in writing time instead of going out. Not saying never go out, but if you go out on Friday write on Saturday.

twin flame: I do that too and then I feel even worse for calling in. Can’t help ya— I’m guilty.

soulmate: Remember that this can become a cycle. Losing your job would mean your couldn’t save, let alone pay rent and groceries, which would make you more sad and less motivated to work and more frustrated with yourself. Ask your therapist for more frequent sessions. Maybe weekly if possible. Set rewards during your day of work. I do dance parties or an episode of tv at lunch if I’m productive in the morning.

twin flame: You are not jogging in place. You are just struggling right now. You're judging your entire life based on how you feel in this very moment. When you’re linking up with wholesome friends and high on life, you understand your path. It’s when you get down on yourself that your brain start to ruminate on all the negatives.

soulmate: I would argue you’ve progressed a lot. You have a stable job that allows for working from home, you live on your own, you have health insurance and a therapist. That’s more than most people can say. However, nothing I say can make you believe that about yourself.

        I appreciate their support and advice, but sometimes when it all seems so bleak, no amount of reassurance in the world can smother out the persistent thought that maybe this just isn't worth it. I don't know how to dig myself out of ruts, self-imposed or otherwise.

I've tried taking myself to therapy on four separate occasions as an adult.

I did 5 months sober in A.A. on my own volition.

I have journaled for 15 years.

I go to the gym when I'm feeling motivated.

I tried going vegan to reduce internal inflammation and have more energy.

I moved to Florida and California and Texas.

I've adjusted my medication; type as well as dosage.

I TAKE MEDICINE.

I try to share memes & go to concerts & travel & take photographs & read.

I've tried taking acid and getting illuminated.

I've tried being in relationships in hopes they'll complete me & make me feel better.

I've tried being alone in an attempt to eliminate external stressors.

I've tried to work myself away & keep my mind busy.

I've tried to pour my love/energy/attention/time/money into my dog in an attempt to feel better.

None of it is working.

I'm still feeling as sad & lonely & hurt & worthless as ever.

mer·cu·ri·al  (adj) — (of a person) subject to sudden or unpredictable changes of mood or mind