The Marine Corp teaches never surrender, you know, til the last man. So I came into The Program and had that mindset of, "I can do this. I need to do this. I'm never giving up. I'm never surrendering." Along with being selfish and self-centered, I thought that I could do this my way. I could do this. The whole sitting and making meetings and fellowshipping and all of that— that's all fine and dandy and I could ride that for a good while. But when it comes down to it, I've got to get to the meat and potatoes of this program. Not necessarily about the group or the organization or anything else. The actual program is what's going to help me get better. I had come to the realization that everything and all the justifications and rationalizing of how I felt about this program or whatever was really, really slow-going. I mean, it was really slow-going. If I had just done The Program initially things would have gotten a lot better a lot quicker, I think, for me. But I could not surrender.
And I really think, I guess, the reason I didn't want to surrender was because I was afraid it was gonna work. I was afraid it was gonna work and that I was not going to have this Old Life that I... hated. Someone said they didn't know anything else. I didn't know anything else. And that was a big fear of mine. Coming to the realization that I had to surrender to The Program... I had to surrender to God, was a big, big step for me, man, because I really wasn't sure that I wanted to surrender to God. I would do all things that was required of me: coffee, sugar, water, or whatever. But when it came down to "there has to be a god in my life", I balked. And I was afraid of that, again, because I was afraid that it was gonna work. That was the only thing. I wasn't gonna be in control; God was gonna be in control. And low and behold, when I fuckin' finally surrendered to God as I understand God, good things started happening in my life. Amaaazing things started happening in my life. It was a process of amazing things happening in my life but, "Look at me. I did it." And then, "Ohhh! Shit..." Come to that screeching halt again. I always felt like when I got into The Program and things were going well, the actual record player was playing at the correct speed, you know, and that my life was hunky-dory and I was all happy, but then the moment there was a setback in my life, that record went "rrrrrrr". Then I had to slowly get myself back out of that. And it all began with the surrender.
So if today I wake up and I surrender every morning, man, my life just gets so much better. It just gets so much better. And it's not the reward or the financial security. It's not the reward of material things. It's the reward of peace and serenity in my life. All that other stuff is just blessings. It's blessings on top of those gifts, and I'm very grateful for that.
Janessa on patience
Patience... that one we're going to have to look up because I don't know what that is. I feel like that definitely carried into my addictions and stuff. I remember one time at Thanksgiving a couple years ago, I asked my uncle for some hard liquor so I could do shots and he was like, "You don't want a mixed drink?"
And I was like, "No, we're just trying to get There."
And he was like, "Oh, that's what young kids say."
But now I'm like, "No, that's what alcoholics say."
Even like, weed used to be my drug of choice for seven years and then I started snorting cocaine and I was like, "Oh, we can There faster!" Always faster. Faster. But taking shortcuts has never worked out. For me. In my favor. At all. Even The Steps. I came in and was like, "Let's just jump to some, huh?" I wanted to do Four and Five right away.
I was like, "That's actual work. That's actually getting to the root of things and that's tackling trauma head-on." But if I didn't have my spirituality with Two and Three, if I did Four and Five without my spirituality I could never have done Seven and have Her remove my shortcomings. So I really appreciate the pace. Everything happens exactly when you need it to. Or at least that's my story.
And the way I correlate that is like a staircase. I was trying to jump to the top of it without using these other ones that were so necessary. And even my 90 meetings in 90 days... I just want that to be over already. I'm trying to just chill after work. But the funny thing about that is: it's just a suggestion from my sponsor. She's not going to beat me up if I don't come to one. She comes every other week. She wouldn't even know if I didn't come to one. But I know today I have this rigorously honest program and I have ya'll here to hold me accountable.
And I want to be a better person today. That's why I don't skip meetings. That's why I stay on the sidewalk and not do shortcuts. Slow my hasty ass down.
Harris on open-mindedness
I think that being close-minded was something that definitely fueled my addiction to alcohol and to drugs. I had a certain way of how I thought things had to go and if it didn't go that way, then I felt like I had an excuse to use. I guess the first thing that comes to mind is I was married for nine years and I took my wife's adultery like a Do Drugs Free card. I had the right to be a drug addict and an alcoholic because things hadn't gone the way I thought they should go.
I think this group has also helped me be open-minded spiritually. Like I was raised in a very hardcore Southern Baptist upbringing. That everything was exactly the way they saw it as and you were pretty much going to hell if you didn't agree with exactly what they thought. Not that I believe that, but it's actually helped me be open-minded towards my family. To not rebel so much. It's helped me be open-minded and to not be such a rebel. To accept things as they come. And to just accept that life is going to go where it goes and I need to be the best person I can be. That if life doesn't happen the way I want it to, that's not an excuse to go out and do drugs and drink.
I think open-mindedness, to me, is key in keeping balanced, in keeping the right mindset that there are no excuses for This Disease.
Armando on Nine Step Promises
I get so wrapped up in this newfound freedom and new happiness that I forget to stop and actually look at the little things. I was blessed to be able to go down to San Antonio last weekend to spend time with my family. It's been a while since I been down there so I got to celebrate Christmas and Valentine's and Best Sons Day and Just-Cause Day all-at-once so I got all these gifts. And I started going through them and was like, "Okay, that's nice. That's not going to fit me. I don't wear that size no more. Thanks for trying." During the whole receiving these gifts, I forgot to take the time and actually look at them.
I got sick earlier in the week and I was just... out of it. I felt a lot better yesterday so I started cleaning up my room and started going through these gifts and trying to get stuff cleaned up and my house in order. Literally. I grabbed this gift that my mom had given me. And I saw what was on top. I didn't go through it. And inside was a card that she got for me that told me how I would always have a place in her heart, how she's proud of me. It made me stop and think: as I go through life so fast and life's happening, I forget to stop and look at the little things. Things that got me to these rooms, you know? I forget about the people that meant the most to me that I hurt the most.
I got to go to one of my cousin's quinceañeras, which is a celebration of your 15th birthday, and I got to dance with my little sister. She wanted to dance and I was like, "Yeah." I forget what it was like. I forget to embrace those moments. Life is starting to happen. I have a new life now, so it's easy for me to forget what got me there. To the point I was at.
I get so wrapped up in this new life and the gift of sobriety that I forget to stop and take a moment to actually look and see what God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I want to be like, "Well, it's not the way I want it done. It's not happening now." Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but I could give God a nudge if I put more action into it. If I work more hours and make more money, I'll have less financial fears. But I forget about the stress I put upon myself, the loss of sleep, being tired all the time, not being able to hang out with people who care about me. So I stop and I pause. I really have to put in priority of what's important in my life today. And what isn't important.
The only two things in this world that I'm ever gonna own are my words and my actions. Everything else is gonna come and go. To this day, the only thing I still have from my past is my words and my actions. And I know this because people I run into will bring my past up. They bring up my actions. They bring up what I said. Today I have to stop and really think about what I'm saying and what I'm doing. Because that's going to follow me for the rest of my life.
It wasn't apparent to me until I went to one of my uncle's funerals. When they were talking about him, it wasn't what he had and the amazing life that he had, it was what kind of person he was. He was a loving, caring person. The action he took to broadcast to the world. To people around him. The things he would say. The jokes. That's what was apparent to me.
Because of sobriety, I get to realize that. I get to realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself and that I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. That's where the Nine Step Promises are at for me today. That's amazing for me to actually be able to see that. And care about that more than a car or a raise or any of that stuff. When it's my time, it's my time. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. Who am I to play God?
No comments:
Post a Comment