February 25
THE CHALLENGE OF FAILURE
In God's economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is.
AS BILL SEES IT, pg. 31
"How thankful I am today to know that all my past failures were necessary for me to be where I am now. Through much pain came experience and, in suffering, I became obedient. When I sought God, as I understand Him, He shared His treasured gifts. Through experience and obedience, growth started, followed by gratitude. Yes, then came peace of mind—living in and sharing sobriety."
"Daily Reflections" by Alcoholics Anonymous
Hi, I'm Janessa, and I'm an alcoholic... Okay, I'm going to try to be concise and not weird, but that's hard for me. Both of those things.
I turned 30 in January. And when I was 19, I tried to do this LVN program in Colorado, where I'm from, but I thought I could still drink & drug through a nursing program and ended up dropping out after the first semester. After a night of blacking out, it catapulted my life into a sequence of events that really messed things up for me. Last May I started in an LVN program again and it's going really well. I haven't been to a meeting in over a year because I've been really busy with school.
I went out with a friend Friday night and we said, "We're not going to get too crazy." Famous last words. And I don't remember a big chunk of the night. And I've been feeling ashamed and regretful and annoyed with myself & all these feelings came back because: 11 years later and here I am. My dad says a hard head makes for a soft ass. Mine must be made out of marshmallow, because this is not going well, per usual.
Even when I was leaving my house today, I told my mom I was going to a meeting. She said, "You haven't even been drinking often." Girl, when I do, though! I fuckin' do it. It frustrates me when people say that shit to me, because I can go long periods without it but on a long enough timeline, I'll get to this fucking place again... every time. I'm just so ashamed.
I wanted to pick up the desire chip, but I feel like I don't... or maybe I do... represent AA well. I don't want to let myself down. My therapist brings up the concepts of "fear of success" & "self-sabotage" and where I intersect with them. I knew there were people here that love me and care about me.
I don't think I saw anyone that knows I'm in this LVN program, but I just have it at the back of my head: I'm about to be a whole medical professional. What if someone did see me acting a fool? Is this still who I'm trying to be all these years later? (And it's definitely not.) I'm grappling with that.
It's obviously right on the reading. Failures? I've been in such a great place to set myself up for success, and then I will do anything to trip myself up in my own path. So... yeah. I think that's it.
I think that's the story I want to tell today.
✽ ✾ ✿ ❀ ❁ ❃ ❊ ✣ ✤ ❀ ✿ ⚘ ❁ ✾ ✽
