My 14-year-old cousin and I were sitting on the patio of a Mexican restaurant in Small Town, Colorado, when she snatched my margarita glass off the table and recorded a Snap Chat video of herself gushing,"The margarita my awesome cousin bought me!" This was entirely untrue.
"Why did you just do that?" My eyebrows furrowed.
"So I look cool." She shrugged nonchalantly typing on her phone. I shook my head. She'd been going on and on about this "hot" guy she added from the area; a 17-year-old Italian boy named Benecio. I wanted to remind her that she'd be flying back to Florida in two weeks and that he would be forgotten before the plane touched the runway, but I held my tongue. I paid the tab and drove to the town's only dispensary. I bought two pre-rolled joints and some gummy bear edibles for $23.09. I love my state.
I started heading to a park as we lit up one of the spliffs. I tried not to get annoyed when she announced, "I'm not even that zoinked... do you feel it? I don't feel it..." My brain chanted, "♫ Bitch, don't kill my vibe."
Once we got out of my car and started walking towards the pond she goes, "Okay, I feel it now." I looked over and smiled. She told me how she's going to ask ol' dude if he blazes. She swiped on his Snap Chat name and started tapping away.
His reply: no do you
She had the audacity to type, "No, I drink." I stared at her with an amalgamation of shock and disbelief.
He goes: Nice. Keep it classy.
As if that wasn't hardcore enough, she told him, "I'm drunk and I think you're cute." What in the actual fuck is going on here? I thought. He opened it but didn't reply. After that, she talked non-stop about how she "fucked up" and wondered if she "lost him" even though he was a complete stranger. We found a suitable tree and sat in the shade of its branches.
24: ohhh, for about... seven— eight years...
*together* hahaha
14: Then you were like, "Put the fuckin' phone down..."
24: Yeah! ♫ I can make ya put ya phone down...
14: Did it all— did every time, did it end out alright?
24: ...I can make ya, I can make ya put ya phone down ♫
I mean, yeah. I'm here, right? I made it out alive.
I mean, yeah. I'm here, right? I made it out alive.
14: No, I mean, like... did you ever, like, break up with someone on accident or some shit?
Or, like, done what I did? And did it all turn out alright?
24: I have done ten-fold to dudes... hahaha
14: Ten-folds?
24: It means ten times as worse. * moment of silence* I feel bad breaking hearts, but it's gotta be done sometimes.
I stare up at blue sky and soak in the warm summer air. She stares up at her blue screen and scrolls through people's stories without truly paying attention to any of them.
14: Should I post something like, "I fucked up"?
24: Why would you do that?
14: I don't know.
24: You don't mind just having your business out there like that?
14: Yeah, no.
We're quiet as birds chirped around us. A subtle breeze rolled through to dance on our skin
24: Thanks for hanging out with me.
14: Thank you... I have a million thoughts going in my head.
24: Tell me some.
14: Okay. *sigh* I feel like it's really sad how girls subjectify themselves for a guy, you know what I mean? And for instance, I do it. Literally, this is ruining my whole mood because I think I fucked up with a guy. Like, come on! I was literally looking on Instagram and saw 5,000 cuter boys. Like, I really just need to... I don't know. I don't know what makes me want to be with guys so much, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like this isn't who I was, you know what I mean? I didn't bow down for a guy. I didn't change myself for a guy. And then all-of-a-sudden it feels like that's kind of how the social media everything perceives it, you know what I mean? I was really hoping that this would let me unplug this summer, but it seems like I just get on it more. I'm more into social media. Like, I wouldn't have even known who Bene was, and I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't see his profile picture. I mean, it's a great way to communicate — don't get me wrong — but at the same time, it's actually just changing our minds.
Silence settled in between us as I took in the unexpected depth of this underestimated youth.
24: That's deep, bro.
*together* hahaha
14: I know!
24: What does "subjectify" mean?
14: We all have the definition in our own words... To me, I feel like it means "bowing down" or changing who I am. Letting the man control, you know?
24: Uh... submissive?
14: Yeah, it might be that too.
24: That's what that means.
14: Oh okay...
More silence.
14: This has been really fun. So tell me something more.
24: hahaha I haven't been talking. You have.
14: I know... Do you want me to tell you something more?
*together* hahaha
24: What do you want me to talk about?
14: Just... your life. What do you think about my boys problem? With Benecio?
24: You've never met him before?
14: No.
24: And you only know—
14: Of him.
24: Well, no, I— *sigh* Who you think you know is this person that you're creating. It's called "romanticizing". So in your head you're like, "I'm going to meet him and he's going to be so funny." And you're going to care about what he has to say and be interested in him. But, you know, sometimes you meet people and they're quite the opposite. So, obsessing over him... it's just not worth it.
14: How can I stop?
24: I don't know. Don't you have other interests? Like—
14: Soccer.
24: Did you finish reading that book I fucking sent you?
14: I'm halfway through it.
24: Did you read it on the plane or no?
14: Yeah.
24: Yeah, I don't know. Just, uh... you don't like talking about music or...
14: Um... I like talking about real-world problems but no one seems to enjoy it.
24: Like what?
14: Like what I just said about the whole social media thing was a big part of how I feel.
24: So, there's this book... That's the thing, you know. You gotta read! And you have to learn! And study. It's called Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, and that's basically what he talks about is how technology has changed dating, and it's a lot of what you just said. And how our attitudes change.
14: Because we feel like we need this person... and we need it fast. I've realized that the human race who once in the older times were very independent have now become very dependent on each other. Which, I mean, isn't a bad thing in certain aspects, but when it comes to you have to feel like you need someone in your life, as it may be a friend, or it could be also a lover or a mom or a dad, we have to feel like we have to need this close person. But really, we, as humans, could do everything by themselves and be perfectly capable of doing it...
I'm thinking her public school has introduced evolution or hunter-gatherers yet. I see that her single mom marrying someone has been a rough transition and my heart breaks some.
24: Mmm... questionable.
14: Of course we need people to interact with, but to go day-to-day, we feel like we need someone to be there, holding our hand.
I'm quiet as I take in her monologue.
14: In my opinion. You don't have to agree.
24: Have you ever... hahaha yeah, I don't know... When you love someone, you'll know...
14: Do you know?
24: Um... So... You included a wide range like lovers and parents... I don't know... I love you. I need you.
14: Thank you...
What's a big problem you think we have right now?
What's a big problem you think we have right now?
24: As a society?
14: Mhm.
24: It kind of goes along with your social media bit: that everyone who posts on Instagram, Facebook, fucking everything is just so artificial. And then we think things are weird, like your stepmom thinking she's fat when she's not. Body dysmorphia: when you think you look way gross and just have a low body image. I don't like that on Instagram we post our absolute best and then in real-life things like wrinkles or stretch marks or rolls or—
14: Pimples.
24: Pimples, fuckin' hair above your lip are considered abnormal. We start morphing ourselves and getting surgeries like Kylie Jenner. That's a trip. That bitch changed her whole face, bud. hahaha And for what? Or for who? Because if I never saw another mirror again, looks wouldn't matter to me and I really wouldn't care. I think the more we reflect ourselves and take pictures and scrutinize we stray further from reality.
"Mhm," she mumbles insanely absent-mindedly as if she didn't hear one word I just said.
24: Life's weird, hard, and complicated.
14: Cool... I don't know. I just don't know why I'm stressing so much...
24: Probably because you're 14.
14: True... You know when something bothers you and it fucks up your high? Like, bro, he didn't he even look at my Story. How long ago was it that I posted it? It was 12 minutes ago...