I'm tired. I don't want to kill myself.
I just want a change.
My friends are not really my friends. They are people who are acting, and how can they put on a show. I meet them and they act like they like me, but really, they want me to be amused. I am their audience, and they got me watching, feeling, happy, but yet when the play progresses and ends, they change. They are different people when they are done acting. That's how some of my "friends" act. Others won't tell me how they feel. A mask is what they wear. These are the most deadly. They wear these masks, but I can tell. I can tell and I say, "sorry" and "what's wrong?" but they stay silent and say, "I'm fine."
I'm fine.
One of the biggest lies they could say.
& last, friends that say they like me.
I can feel them.
The annoyance. The disapproval. The hate.
"We like you," they say.
But, oh, how they lie.
"We like you." Another lie told to me.
They don't. And I know they don't. Why they don't tell me I don't know. I can feel them talking about me. Feel it in my bones. Down my neck. I can feel it.
My parents have teamed against me. My mom falls deeper & deeper into a hole called alcoholism. I feel as though she may never get out. She may never find herself again. A woman whose whole life surrounded her daughter is swallowed by a glass. She doesn't breathe; she drinks. She thinks she fools us by hiding it, but she is mistaken. She tells me she has changed and is not addicted.
"I've changed" & "I'm not addicted"
Two big lies.
Although my step-dad drinks, he doesn't blame. He doesn't hurt; he argues. He's a good man & he is the only person I seem to get along with.
He does not lie.
Or so he says.
My father has a kid. Which I'm happy for him, but he's slipping away. I've never cared much for my dad. He left when I was young & recently came back. He had a kid with his wife & he changed. He slipped away and now, I wish he didn't. He, too, lied. Said the kid wouldn't get in the way. Said I will still love you the same.
Another lie.
"I will still love you the same"
My middle sister, who is so involved with her own world, is too ignorant to look beyond, think about something else, or care about someone or their interests...